


The Edge of Something Deep

by Tobyfan



Series: Edge Series [1]
Category: The Sentinel
Genre: First Times, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-10
Updated: 2013-05-10
Packaged: 2017-12-11 08:44:59
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 24,722
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/796207
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tobyfan/pseuds/Tobyfan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Blair becomes depressed and Jim wants to find out why.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Edge of Something Deep

I don't own them. I'm just playing with them.

Big, huge thanks go to Data for taking the time to Beta this story. I appreciate it, my dear. Thanks, also, to Rami and Linny for providing encouragement along the way. I've been working on this story for a little over a year. Yes, I write slowly. It's my second Sentinel story.

Post TSbyBS

* * *

* * *

``I'm so tired but I can't sleep  
Standin' on the edge of something much too deep  
It's funny how we feel so much but we cannot say a word  
We are screaming inside, but we can't be heard.''  
Sarah McLachlan, I Will Remember You

* * *

He sensed a strange sort of humming in the air before he realized his clock radio had gone off and was slowly pulling him out of his dream. Damn. It had been such a good dream, too. Jim had been touching him, caressing him. Making him feel sexy and wanted, which is something he could never hope would happen when he was awake. 

Blair hit the snooze button and rolled over on his stomach, tucking the pillow under his chin. He could hear Jim in the shower. _Jim_ , he thought. The man he loved. The man he'd died for. The man he'd given up his life's work for. The man who would only ever see Blair as a friend - a good friend, a best friend, but never more than that. 

He groaned and buried his face into the pillow, wishing he could will away this horrible, aching pain that had been consuming his life for what seemed like forever. 

Actually, he hadn't realized how much he loved Jim until he died. How fucking ironic was that? Going along, spending virtually all of his time with this man. Talking him through crises, touching him, caring for him, guiding him. How was it he didn't know he loved Jim until after he'd been brought back from the dead? 

It was that goddamn vision that had made him see. Jim's panther and his wolf merging; becoming one. And then Jim had shocked the hell out of him when he admitted having the same vision. _Jesus!_ Jim had been just as amazed. But then Blair had gone and opened in his damn mouth, basically offering Jim everything...and Jim...Jim had brushed him off like he was some kind of bad taste in his mouth. 

And Blair had been too weak and drugged to really feel how much that had hurt him. When he got better and the drugs wore off, the pain and anger set in like a fresh wound. He'd been living with it for several months now and it wasn't getting any better. 

The alarm went off again and this time Blair shut it off and slowly sat up. He could hear Jim heading up the stairs, so he headed to the bathroom to relieve himself. He stopped to look in the mirror. Ran his hands through his newly shorn hair. It had already been a couple of weeks, but he still wasn't quite used to it. It looked like an explosion of short curls all over his head. Fuck it, he thought as he reached for his toothbrush. 

He heard Jim upstairs, moving around as he rinsed and then headed out to the living room. 

He flopped on the couch, clicker in hand and began flipping around the channels, trying to find something decent on. He didn't feel like eating yet. 

Five minutes later, Jim strode down the stairs all showered and ready to face the day. 

``You just getting up?'' Jim asked, as he popped two slices of bread into the toaster. 

``Uh, yeah,'' Blair said distractedly, still aiming the clicker at the television. 

``Are you ever going to stop and actually watch something?'' Jim asked, annoyed. The toaster popped so he pulled out the toast and began spreading the butter. 

``Nothing on, man.'' 

``Then turn it off.'' 

``Yeah.'' Blair turned off the t.v. and just sat there. 

Jim walked over to the table and sat down. ``What's up with you lately, Sandburg? You've been moping around a lot lately.'' 

``Yeah, well, sorry I'm not my usually bouncy self,'' he said sarcastically. ``I guess I haven't gotten over the destruction of the last few years of my life. I hope you can forgive me.'' 

``You gonna keep doing that, Chief? Because self-pity is not one of your more attractive traits. And I've run fresh out of guilt today. I think I used up my entire lifetime supply in the last few weeks.'' 

``Fuck you, Jim,'' Blair retorted, but without any malice. 

``Moping around and feeling sorry for yourself is not doing you any good. And it sure as hell isn't doing me any good. Aren't you late for a class at the academy?'' 

``I'm not going today.'' 

``What?! You most certainly are going. Simon had to pull some strings to get you in. You'd better not be skipping classes.'' 

``Jesus, Jim, who are you? My father? I think I can decide for myself whether or not I go to class. Just go to work and leave me alone.'' 

``I'm sorry, Chief, but...'' 

``Yeah, yeah,'' Blair said impatiently, standing up. ``I'm going back to bed,'' he added and walked across the floor to his room and closed it before Jim said another word. 

* * *

_I am still getting used to Sandburg's hair, or lack thereof. The length is gone but the curls are all still there. It looks unruly and darker; almost black. I always thought his hair looked brown before -- whenever I thought about his hair, which wasn't often, mind you. But there was a lot of it and it did get in the way. I guess with it closer to his head, not much chance of the sun shining through it, hitting all the highlights. Not like I noticed things like that. I didn't. Really._

_The thing is, with his hair trimmed, you can see his face better. The features, I mean; the planes and angles of bone and flesh. And his eyes, they seem somehow bluer. Probably doesn't make sense, but that's the way it seems to me. He's just beautiful. There's no way around it._

_In some ways, he looks older since he cut his hair. Or maybe that's just all the life experience. Some of his bounce is gone. Drowning and throwing away your life's work in the name of friendship will do that to a man. And don't think I don't appreciate it what he did for me. I do. I'm just not always good with words._

_It's not like Sandburg doesn't know how I feel about him. I mean, he must. Right? I try to show him how I feel without words. If he's low on shampoo, I buy more for him without making a big deal out of it. Or if his car needs a repair, I offer to help. It's the little things that count, right?_

_And if he's had a bad day, I touch him on the back or the shoulder. Nothing too overt or clingy. Just enough to let him know I'm here. I'm listening. I care. Of course, touching Sandburg helps me, too. It grounds me, or something. I'm not sure if it's a sentinel-guide thing or it's just a Jim Ellison-Blair Sandburg thing. Guess I don't really want to dwell on that too much._

* * *

When Jim arrived home that evening, Blair was still in bed, apparently having slept all the day long. Jim noticed there weren't even any dirty dishes. 

``Chief?'' Jim called out, knocking quietly on the door to Blair's bedroom. 

``Go 'way,'' Blair mumbled sleepily. 

``No, Chief, not until you open the door and talk to me.'' 

Blair laughed sardonically. ``That's a good one. _You_ want to talk.'' He opened the door. ``Oh please, man, do not give me your pity face.'' 

``I'm getting worried here, Sandburg. Maybe you should go talk to someone about this - a professional.'' Jim glanced over the unkempt curls sticking out all over Blair's head. 

Blair chuckled wryly. ``You're giving out mental health advice, Jim?'' He smoothed a hand through his hair. 

``I just want to find a way to help you out of this...slump you're in. You've been alternating between angry and sad for months now and I think something has to be done.'' 

``Like me going to a shrink?'' 

``If that's what it takes, yeah.'' 

``Okay, Jim, if it will make you happy, I will call a shrink, but since it's Friday night, it'll have to wait until Monday, so...'' Blair said and began to close his door. 

``Oh no you don't, Chief. I am not letting you mope around all weekend.'' 

Blair groaned in dismay. 

``Come on. Up and at'em. I want you to shower and then we are going to go do something fun.'' 

``Fun? Jim, what the hell do you know about fun?'' 

``Very cute, Chief. Let's go,'' he said and grabbed Blair's arm, propelling him toward the bathroom. 

* * *

Blair remained stoic and silent as Jim drove them to some undetermined location. Just eight weeks ago, before the dissertation fiasco, an outing like this with Jim would have brought him such joy. Now it just added to the hurt and pain roiling inside him. 

Sure, he knew Jim cared about him, but that's all it would ever be. Jim would never feel about Blair the way he felt about Jim, and it hurt too much sometimes to even be around his partner. Jim hadn't even really thanked him for trashing his own dissertation, for sacrificing his entire adult life's work to save Jim's sanity. It was almost as if Jim expected it from him. Blair had to sacrifice himself in order to keep Jim in his life. 

So, yeah, Jim saw him as a friend, a partner, a roommate, but Jim did not feel anything special for him; not even a special kind of friendship -- one that elevated their relationship above all other friendships. If he had, Blair's sacrifice would have meant more than it did; more than Jim had told him. Their friendship, such as it was, was ordinary; nothing special. Blair knew that now. But he didn't know how to live with it. 

``Where are we going, Jim?'' Blair asked just to make conversation. He didn't even really care. 

``It's a surprise, Chief.'' 

Then they fell into silence again and before long, the city lights of Cascade began to fall behind them. Blair realized they were headed out of town, but to where? He felt too tired to ask, so he just fell asleep. 

* * *

``Hey, Chief, we're here,'' Jim said, shaking his shoulder. 

Blair opened his eyes and looked around and saw lots of trees; a small structure about 200 hundred feet in the distance. ``Where are we?'' 

``Stony Mountain.'' 

Blair blinked in surprise. ``Did you just say Stony Mountain?'' It was a state park, about two hours from Cascade. 

Jim nodded and opened the door. 

``Wait, Jim, I don't understand. Why are we here? Are we staying overnight? We didn't even pack anything.'' 

``I packed while you were in the shower.'' he said, lifting bags out of the trunk. ``And we're staying the whole weekend. And to answer your first question, we're here because you need this and I wanted to do this for you.'' 

Blair stepped out of the car, looking around. He realized that the structure was a small cabin surrounded by trees. It was pretty isolated. He couldn't even see the next closest one. ``Wow, Jim, I don't know what to say.'' Blair was touched at the thought Jim had put into this trip. 

``Just grab a bag and let's go in,'' Jim said and started walking up to the cabin door. 

Inside the small cabin were two beds, a tiny bathroom and a sitting area. No place to cook food. And no television. Just as well. Blair loved getting out into nature; breathing the fresh air. 

Blair dumped his bag on the bed closest to the window and walked toward the rear of the cabin. There was a door leading out onto a small porch. He stepped outside and took a deep breath. More trees, some rocks and an incline, but it was too dark to see much more. He walked back inside. Jim was unpacking his suitcase, neatly putting his clothes in the dresser near the bed. 

``So what's the plan?'' 

``I thought we'd do a little hiking, mountain climbing. Maybe even some fishing.'' 

``When did you plan this, Jim?'' Blair walked over to Jim, watching him unpack. 

``This morning, when I got to the office. When you skipped your classes at the academy, I knew you were getting worse instead of better. I just thought this might help. I mean, I know it's not a cure or anything, but...'' 

``Thanks, Jim. I appreciate it,'' Blair said, putting his hand on Jim's shoulder. 

``No problem, Chief. What do you say we make an early night of it? Early to bed, early to rise and all that.'' 

Blair looked at his watch. It was only a little after 9 p.m. He was suddenly too excited to sleep. It had been weeks since he looked forward to anything and now this. ``I don't know, Jim. I'm kinda revved up now.'' 

``It's no wonder. You've been sleeping all day. But we really can't do anything out here in the dark. Unless you want to drive back to town?'' 

``We could get supper. We never ate, remember?'' Blair said, his voice pitched with excitement. 

``I thought you gave up eating,'' Jim teased. 

``Well, now my appetite is back in full force. Let's go.'' He grabbed his jacket and headed out the door. 

* * *

``Jim, man, you gotta come see this,'' Blair said, calling to Jim from the porch. He had awoken only moments before and immediately been drawn outside by the cool, clear morning. 

Jim pulled himself up and stretched. He felt fairly well rested, even though they had gotten back from dinner after 11 and had talked for awhile after that. He walked over the door and peaked out. A beautiful mountain vista greeted him, and he saw Blair smiling; really smiling. Something he hadn't done in weeks. 

``Beautiful,'' Jim remarked and then the cool air breezed over his still-unclad chest. ``Brrr. It's chilly out here. I'm going back in.'' 

``What I wouldn't do for a cup of coffee,'' Blair said when he followed Jim back inside. 

``It just so happens that I brought some coffee and some filters. And the room has a coffee pot,'' Jim said, walking over to a cupboard and pulling out the coffee maker. 

``Oh, man, you are great to have on a trip! You think of everything!'' 

``Thank you. Now, I'm going to jump in the shower first, okay?'' 

``Okay by me. I'll just be sitting out on the porch drinking some freshly brewed coffee.'' 

And that's just where he was 20 minutes later when Jim came out fully dressed. ``So, Chief, you want get ready so we can go hiking?'' Blair turned and saw Jim already dressed in a turtleneck and those hiking pants with velcro straps at the ankles and waist. He even had boots on. 

``Hey, what about my hiking boots?'' 

``I packed them. You didn't think I'd forget?'' 

Blair chuckled and Jim was secretly thrilled to hear it. ``You're right. I should have known better.'' He headed back into the cabin to shower. 

``Hey Chief?'' 

``Yeah?'' 

``It's good to have the old Blair back. I, uh, I missed him.'' 

Blair smiled, hoping Jim couldn't hear the sudden thumping of his heart. ``I'll be back out in a few,'' he added and walked to the bathroom, taking deep breaths. 

* * *

``How much further until the peak?'' Blair asked, breathing hard. They had been hiking uphill for almost two hours and he was beginning to feel a bit winded. He stopped and took out his water bottle. _Ya gotta hand it to Jim,_ he thought, looking at the water bottle. _He thinks of everything._

``I'd guess about 10 or 15 minutes longer,'' Jim called out from up ahead. He didn't seem tired or winded at all, Blair thought. They'd reached the beginning of the trail around 8 that morning and now it was just before 10 a.m. ``You okay?'' 

``Yeah, just a little out of breath.'' 

``Stop and rest.'' 

``I am, Mr. Energizer,'' Blair said sarcastically. Jim chuckled and kept hiking. 

``I'll walk slowly so you can catch up with me when you're ready.'' 

``Gee, thanks.'' 

Blair brushed some stray curls off his sweaty neck. He almost wished his hair were long again. At least then, he could have pulled it into a pony tail. He took another pull on his bottle and put it back in his pack. He took a few lungfuls of air and started back up the trail. By the time he caught up with Jim, they were both standing on the rocky peak. 

``Wow,'' Blair exclaimed as he looked around. Despite the number of times he'd been mountain climbing, reaching a peak had never ceased to amaze him. He could see rolling hills and mountains, tiny highways far away; rivers, valleys and everything in between. 

``Isn't it, though?'' Jim remarked. 

``Worth the effort.'' 

``Definitely.'' Jim found a spot on one of the humongous rocks and sat down, taking out his water bottle. Blair sat down next to him. 

``So what's on your mind, Sandburg? Besides the whole dissertation thing, cause I know it's more than that.'' 

``Why do you think that?'' 

``Because you made that choice of your own free will. I never asked you to do it. So, I'm pretty sure that you'd thought it over pretty thoroughly before deciding. The Blair Sandburg I know would have accepted it by now; would have moved on. So what is bugging you?'' 

Blair sat there silent. He had no argument that Jim would believe. ``You don't really want to know.'' 

``Of course I do, Chief. I wouldn't have asked otherwise.'' 

``If you have to ask, then it's just not worth saying, okay?'' Blair said and got up, heading back down the way they had just come. He needed to be away from Jim right now, so he walked quickly. 

* * *

Jim watched him go, perplexed. _What the heck was that supposed to mean? If I have to ask... I'm supposed to read minds now?_ He pondered that for a minute and then got up to follow Blair. He sensed that his partner needed time alone, but he didn't have a clue as to why. 

Jim tried to think back over the last several weeks, trying to remember when and how Blair's mood and demeanor had changed. He remembered little incidents; things that told him Blair had something on his mind. But then the moods would lift and he would go back to being Jim's guide and partner, as if putting aside his feelings because Jim needed him. 

_Wait a minute. His feelings. He would put aside his feelings and assume the role of the guide, as if my needs were more important than his own. But what feelings? What was bothering Blair?_ He tried to recall any mention of a woman who might have broken his heart, but he couldn't recall Blair even going on _a_ date in the last couple of months. Not even before that. Not since...since he came back from the dead. And what did that mean, exactly? 

Then Jim began to scan his memory for Blair's moods during the time after the drowning. Now that he thought about it, he remembered Blair being more sensitive about stuff. If, say, Jim would nag at him about the condition of the bathroom or even point out something he`d done wrong on the job, Blair would get really upset and walk away from him. 

So this _had_ started before the dissertation fiasco, Jim realized. It had started after the drowning. Damn. _Could the drowning have caused some kind of imbalance in Sandburg's brain? Maybe it changed his personality somehow? No, he wasn't that different, just more sensitive; more aware of things._ Jim realized that Blair had been much more attune to Jim's problems since the drowning. 

It was as if Blair had gone out of his way to be more aware of Jim and his needs, his moods, his senses. As if he wanted to pre-empt anything that could possibly go wrong. _Blair has been more than a guide; he's been assuming the role of a...mother, a caretaker? What?_

Jim had a memory flash of the conversation he'd had with Blair in the hospital, after he'd regained consciousness. Blair had told him about the vision he'd had when his heart stopped; about the wolf and the panther. And Jim had been amazed when Blair described his own vision in vivid detail. 

He was so amazed, in fact, that when Blair made the comment about the water, Jim had only been half-paying attention. The meaning of it all - the vision, the merging of his panther with Blair's wolf - had been too overwhelming to even contemplate at the time, so he brushed it aside. Pushed it aside to deal with later; only he never had. 

Could that be what be what was bothering Sandburg all this time? His inability to talk about what that vision might mean? _God knows I don't have any answers; only questions._ Questions he wasn't sure he was ready to hear the answers to. But maybe he'd been putting it off long enough. Maybe Sandburg _needed_ to talk about it. _At least I owe him that much_ , he thought. 

By the time he caught up with Blair, he was more than halfway down the trail. His heart was beating hard and he was just stopping for a rest. 

``You made good time, Chief.'' 

Blair braced his hands on his knees, leaned over and took a few deep breaths. 

``You okay?'' 

``Yeah, but my knees are a little shaky.'' 

``Why don't you sit down for a minute?'' Jim spotted a large rock a hundred feet or so off the path and led Blair to it. 

``I'm sorry I took off like that.'' 

``Not a problem. I was thinking maybe you needed to blow off some steam.'' 

Blair nodded. 

``We'll talk after we get back to the cabin, okay? I _think_ I have an idea what it's about.'' 

Blair looked up at him in surprise. ``Yeah?'' 

``Yeah. And if I've got it wrong, you can enlighten me, okay? I don't want this to fester, Chief.'' 

Blair smiled then and stood up. ``Let's go,'' he said and headed back down the path, his step a bit lighter as he walked. 

* * *

_When I realized that Blair had feelings for me - sexual feelings - it kind of blew me out of the water. I mean, I didn't even see it coming until it kind of hit me between the eyes. Maybe I'm blind and I should have known it was coming, but I didn't._

_I knew we needed to talk about it, even if that was the last thing on earth I wanted to do. I think I need to lay it on the line before he even begins. I can't do what he expects of me. I mean, yeah, I have entertained the notion in my imagination. Well, not fully. But I have at least imagined what it would be like to kiss Blair. I'm pretty sure I'd never be able to let it go past that. And that wouldn't be fair to Sandburg. He deserves a lot more than that from a sexual partner._

_I mean, I love the guy. I have no problem admitting that. He's my best friend. He means more to me than anyone. I just don't think I can do the guy thing. I don't think I'm strong enough._

* * *

When they got back to the cabin, they were sweaty and grimy from their hike, so Jim jumped in the shower. Blair sat out on the porch and went over what he wanted to say in his head. His stomach was in knots and he feared he might not be able to go through with it. 

``Your turn,'' Jim called from inside the room. 

_Please let him be dressed,_ Blair prayed as he opened the porch door and walked back in. Jim had his pants on and was slipping his shirt on. Blair avoided looking at him and walked into the bathroom. 

When Blair came out 10 minutes later, he could see Jim out on the porch. _Probably wants to give me some privacy_ , Blair thought as he got dressed. _Okay, pal, showtime._

He walked to the doorway and waited until Jim acknowledged him. 

``So we gonna do this out here?'' 

``Look, Chief, I know what you're going to say and, uh, I just...'' 

Blair looked at him hard and felt his expression harden. The look stopped Jim in mid-sentence. ``What? What? How do you know what I'm going to say?'' Blair asked angrily. 

``It took me awhile, but I figured it out. At least I think I did.'' 

``So then, what? You know what I have to say, so I don't get to say it?'' 

``I just don't want you to be embar...'' 

``Oh come on, Jim! You're pre-empting me? Are you trying to stop me from saying what I need to say? Cause that is so unfair...'' Blair walked back inside the room and Jim followed him. 

``I just don't want...'' 

``No, no. Okay, Jim? No. You do not get to speak right now. You do not get to pre-empt me. If we're going to have this talk, you have to let me have my say. Otherwise, what's the point?'' 

``Okay. Okay. I'm sorry.'' 

Blair brushed his hand over his mouth and began pacing the room. He took a deep breath. 

``I don't know when all this started. I don't know if there was some...mystical connection between us way back when. But for me -- my realization sort of dawned on me slowly. First, I just enjoyed spending time with you, ya know? You made me laugh. I liked your company. 

``Then it got so I started to get jealous when you spent time with other people. I wanted you all to myself. And your smell, man. Your scent started driving me crazy. And then, suddenly, your touches meant more. It felt so good; so right when you would touch me,'' he stopped and took another deep breath. 

``But I think what really opened my eyes was the day you pulled me out of the fountain. The vision. I know we haven't really talked about it, but that vision, Jim. Come on, man! You had to know what it meant for us,'' Blair put his hands on his hips briefly and walked closer to Jim, whose expression was stoic, revealing nothing of how he felt. 

``You know me, Jim. I am not gay. Hell, I'm not even bisexual. At least I wasn't before all this. Jesus, I cannot believe I am saying all this!'' He placed his hands over Jim's arms, which were crossed over his chest. Jim didn't move. 

``I am sorry if this is making you feel uncomfortable, but I need to say it,'' Blair paused and took a breath. Then he looked into Jim's eyes. ``I love you, Jim. As more than a friend. As a lover. As a man who wants more than anything to touch you, to hold you, to kiss you. I know you don't want the same thing, but I had to tell you. Holding it inside me has been killing me.'' 

``Blair, I...'' 

``Wait, I'm not finished yet, Jim. And this part is even harder for me to say, because of how much I care for you.'' 

Jim looked at him, puzzled. 

Blair started pacing again. ``Despite all these...feelings I have for you - or maybe because of them - I felt...I don't know...abandoned or betrayed or something right after the whole merging thing. When we talked in the hospital. When you told me had the same vision, it was like `Wow, we're on the same wave length here.' But, then, when you dismissed me out of hand...'' Blair stopped, remembering back to that day. 

* * *

``You had the same vision?'' he'd asked Jim. 

``Yeah. It was Incacha who guided me how to bring you back.'' 

Blair had smiled weakly from his bed. ``I can't believe this. Einstein said the greatest experiences we can have are the ones with the mysterious. We are definitely there, my brother. Come on in, man. The water's nice.'' 

And then Jim's mind seemed to wander off. He couldn't even look at Blair. ``Chief, I don't know if I'm ready to take that trip with you.'' 

* * *

Even remembering it now sent a special kind of pain shooting through Blair's heart. ``You just dismissed me, like it meant nothing at all. Nothing. After everything we'd been through. After _she_ killed me. And it just meant nothing.'' 

``No, that's not true, Chief,'' Jim interrupted. ``Maybe I don't always know how to express myself and maybe the vision did freak me out a little, but trust me when I tell you, it meant something. I know that. If you had seen me when you were...when the EMT guys...'' his voice started to choke. 

``What, Jim?'' Blair prompted. 

Jim shook his head. ``I can't talk about this,'' Jim said, his voice cracking. 

``Why not?'' 

Jim didn't answer. 

``Because you can't control it?'' Blair taunted. ``Is that it? The mighty Jim Ellison can't talk about his emotions because they might just make him feel something.'' 

Jim looked at him, pointedly. ``The EMT guys gave up, Blair. Simon gave up. Megan gave up. Everybody gave up and left you lying there, dead. They tried to pull me away from you, but I wouldn't let them.'' His voice was quavering now. ``I saw Incacha. I saw this...this...light coming out of your body and I touched you and I let the vision come and you came back to me,'' he finished and stopped speaking for a moment. ``I was out of my mind, so don't tell me it didn't mean anything to me. It meant _everything_ to me.'' 

Blair was stunned into silence. He knew he'd been pronounced dead. He knew that Jim had been the one to bring him back. But he didn't know how affected Jim was, because Jim had never told him. Even Megan and Simon never said a word. 

``Why didn't you tell me all this?'' 

``Come on, Chief, you know I don't like talking about stuff like that.'' 

``Is that the reason you couldn't talk to me after the dissertation fiasco? Is that why you couldn't ever say, `Thank you?' Because, I gotta tell you, man, that really hurt. I mean, sure, you complimented me on the cop thing and I thought it was you trying to say, thanks. But I never fucking know with you. It's like trying to read a book written in another language. I gotta stop and interpret first and then I don't know if I've gotten in right.'' 

Jim chuckled at the analogy. ``I know I can be cryptic sometimes, Chief. I'm sorry about that.'' 

``So what does all this mean? Where does it leave us?'' 

``I honestly don't know and that's one of the reasons I haven't wanted to talk about it,'' Jim said, sitting down on the edge of his bed. ``I think that's kind of why I said I wasn't ready to take that journey with you.'' He stopped and took a deep breath. Blair got the sense he was working up to something. 

``Look, Blair, I...'' 

_Blair?_

``You're very important to me. You have to know that. I've never felt so close to anyone in my life. I even...after the drowning and the vision, I knew it without question. I...I love you,'' he said in a rush, almost brusquely. ``I do, but I am still sorting out just exactly what that means -- if it's just the deepest friendship I've ever had or...if it means more than that. I can't honestly tell you right now. I'm just not ready.'' 

Blair knelt down in from of Jim and took Jim's hands in his. ``Thank you for telling me, Jim, because I really needed to hear that.'' And before Jim could say a word, Blair's arms came up around his neck and Blair was pressing his head into Jim's shoulders for a warm hug. 

Blair felt relieved beyond words. It wasn't exactly what he was hoping for, but it was enough for now. He at least had hope. 

He stood up a few moments later. ``So what's next?'' 

``Next?'' 

``On your agenda? Fishing? Hunting? Camping?'' Blair teased. He would have loved to stay in the room and talk more, but he also got the feeling Jim had had enough. 

``How about lunch? I'm starving.'' 

``You're on.'' Blair said, as he grabbed his coat and headed out to the car. 

* * *

Blair startled Jim out of sleep that night with a high-pitched scream. Jim sat up in bed, scanning the room for Blair as well as any possible predators. Blair was thrashing on his bed, whimpering. _Must be a nightmare,_ Jim thought, moving the covers off and sliding off his bed. He walked closer to Blair and tapped him on the shoulder. Blair startled, and curled in himself, crying quietly. _Oh, Jesus, this is a bad one._ He shook Blair harder, calling his name quietly, but firmly. 

``Come on, Chief, wake up. You're dreaming. It's okay, buddy,'' he said, trying to sound soothing. 

Blair's eyes snapped open and were wild with fear. ``What? What?'' he repeated and looked up at Jim, not really seeing him. 

``It's okay, Sandburg, you were having a nightmare. You okay?'' 

``What? Jim? Jim?'' Blair said, panic in his voice. 

``Yeah, Chief, it's me,'' he said and touched Blair's shoulder, causing him to flinch. Jim started to pull back but then Blair grabbed his arm, yanking Jim toward him. Jim lost his balance and ended up half-sitting, half-lying on Blair's bed. 

``Jim, is that you?'' 

``Yeah, Blair. It's okay. You had a dream,'' Jim repeated with patience of a parent. 

It was then that Blair seemed to finally come fully awake. ``Oh God, Jim!" He grabbed Jim by the shoulders and pulled him into a fierce hug. Jim was slightly startled but let himself be guided by Blair. Several seconds passed before Jim realized Blair was crying onto his shoulder -- quiet, heaving sobs. 

``Hey, buddy, it's okay. It was just a dream. It's over now. You're awake.'' 

``Oh God, Jim. Oh God, it was awful.'' 

``Your dream?'' 

Blair nodded, keeping his hands on Jim's shoulders. 

``Do you want to tell me about it?'' 

Blair shook his head. 

Jim shifted to move off the bed, but Blair wouldn't let go of his shoulders. ``Chief? You okay?'' 

Blair shook his head. ``Stay?'' 

``Stay?'' Jim echoed, perplexed. 

``Yeah. Stay with me.'' 

``I'm not going anywhere, Chief.'' 

``Good,'' Blair said and scooted back on the bed, making room for Jim to lie down next to him. 

Jim hesitated for a couple seconds and then lay down next to Blair, spooning him from behind. Blair was still shaking, but he calmed after a few minutes and soon fell into a deep sleep. 

* * *

Jim's sleeping was shaky at best. He was uncomfortably aware of Blair's body up against his and his own fear of reacting. He felt like he was walking through a dream and kept waking himself up. 

An hour or so after Blair had fallen asleep, Jim got up to pee. He intended to get back into his own bed so he could actually get some sleep. But when he came back, Blair was stirring. His arms fluttered around the bed, as if looking for Jim. _Damn._ He slid in between Blair's sheets and then Blair's hands found him again. Blair wrapped his arms around Jim's waist and snuggled into the taller man's shoulder. 

``Jim?'' Blair whispered against his collarbone. 

_He was awake!_ ``Yeah, Chief?'' 

``You seem restless.'' 

``Not used to sleeping next to someone; you know - touching someone. I guess. It's been awhile.'' 

Blair didn't respond but studied Jim's face, seeming to focus on Jim's lips. 

``Jim?'' 

``Yeah?'' 

``You know what you said before about not being ready?'' 

Jim sighed. ``Yeah, Chief.'' 

``Is that because you're not interested or because you're scared?'' 

Jim shivered. He did not want to have this conversation right now. ``I don't know, Chief. I think confused is a better word for how I'm feeling.'' 

Blair pondered that for a few minutes in silence. ``Jim?'' 

``Yeah?'' 

``Do you think I'm, um...I mean are you attracted to me, even a little?'' 

``I don't think I can do this now, Chief.'' 

``I am not expecting you to do anything. Just talk to me. Please.'' 

``Okay. Okay,'' Jim said and paused. ``Yes.'' 

``Yes?'' Blair asked, sounding hopeful. 

``Yes.'' 

``But you're scared?'' 

``I guess. Scared comes into it a little.'' 

``Fear of the unknown and all that.'' 

``Yeah, pretty much.'' 

``What about kissing?'' 

``What?'' Jim's heart began pounding harder in his chest. 

``Kissing. That's something you know about, right? You've done it with a number of women that I know of,'' Blair said, his voice light and teasing. 

``Very funny, Chief.'' 

``I'm just saying, since it's not _unknown_ to you, maybe you...we...could, you know, maybe we could try that and see how it goes?'' 

Jim froze in fear and swallowed. ``You want me to, um, um...'' But he couldn't finish it. And Blair was looking at him so earnestly; his eyes glowing with a sense of accomplishment, as if to say, ``Isn't this a great idea?'' 

``Kiss me.'' 

And Jim somehow managed to swallow his fear and still his heart long enough to take Blair's face in his hands and lean into a kiss. Blair's lips were open and relaxed. Jim could hear his own heart pounding at the first taste of Blair's lips. They were so sweet and yielding. 

``Oh, Jim...Jim,'' Blair moaned against his lips and Jim shivered at his partner's rapture. _Is this because of me?_ he wondered. Jim's hands slipped through Blair's short, silky hair, gently gripping the back of his head and brushing over the now-exposed nape. Jim could feel Blair's hands at his waist, squeezing his flesh, but not wandering from their place. Jim wished Blair would let them loose and ravish him, but he couldn't express that. Part of him feared it. 

Jim pressed his mouth around Blair's upper lip; kissing and tasting him there; reveling in the softness and heat. Blair was panting and releasing quiet, little moans, which shot right to Jim's groin. Jim knew he could too easily get carried away just now and pulled his lips away, but didn't break their contact completely. He pressed his forehead against Blair's, leaving his hands on Blair's face. 

Blair groaned his disappointment as Jim pulled back. 

``Are you okay?'' Jim asked. 

``So much better than that,'' Blair said, smiling. Jim moved his head away to see Blair's face. 

``Is it okay if we stop now? I just don't want to rush into anything I might regret tomorrow. It's not you, Blair. It's me.'' 

``Anything you want is okay with me, Jim. I don't want to rush it either. I want it to be right.'' 

``Good. Now, let's get some sleep, okay?'' 

Blair nodded and wiggled himself into Jim's embrace. Jim watched until Blair fell asleep with a smile on his face. 

* * *

Blair blinked in the darkness, trying to remember where he was. He saw the moonlight streaming in through the curtains and remembered the cabin. _Jim. Jim is with me,_ he remembered and smiled. But he could no longer feel Jim's arms around him. Maybe he'd gotten up to go to the bathroom. 

Then he felt the bed move and realized that Jim was still here with him. Blair got jostled again a few minutes later. _Jim must be restless. Maybe he's having trouble with his senses,_ Blair thought and instinctively turned over to face his Sentinel. 

``Jim, are you...'' Blair's words died in his throat when he saw Jim lying there, his neck arched back, his face set in a grimace and his arm moving furiously inside his boxers. _Jesus!_ Blair thought, stunned. 

Jim immediately stopped his movements, but kept his hand buried inside his boxers. Blair swallowed, trying to gain some composure. 

He cleared his throat and looked Jim in the eye. His heart was pounding like a triphammer. ``You should've asked me,'' Blair said quietly. 

Jim looked at Blair, his face flushed. ``Didn't think I was ready,'' he said, his breath coming out in short pants. 

``Okay. Sorry to interrupt,'' Blair whispered and started to turn over. 

``Wait,`' Jim said and took a deep breath. 

_Oh my God. I must be dreaming,_ Blair thought. 

``Maybe you could, uh, you know...talk me through it.'' 

Blair's eyebrows went up in surprise. ``Talk? You mean...'' 

``Yeah.'' 

Blair pressed his eyes shut, trying to calm himself. Emotions were pinging all over his body like some kind of tiny tennis ball gone crazy. He swallowed and breathed deeply. When he opened his eyes again, Jim still had his hand inside his boxers and was stroking himself lazily. 

``Can I...'' Blair started and stopped, swallowing nervously again. ``Can I see you?'' 

Jim blinked and then nodded. He sat up and slipped his t-shirt over his head. If not for the cooler mountain air, Blair thought, Jim wouldn't have even been wearing the shirt. A sliver of moonlight gleamed across his smooth chest and Blair felt his heartbeat spike. He'd seen Jim shirtless too many times to count but he'd never allowed his eyes to linger. Now, though, he didn't bother to hide his admiration -- okay, his lust -- for Jim's muscular body. 

Jim laid back down and brought his hands to his boxers, hooking his fingers on the waistband, lifting his behind off the bed and slipped them down and off. 

Blair's eyes raked over Jim's naked form and he inhaled sharply. ``Jesus, James,'' was all he could manage. Jim's cock jumped and swelled at Blair's reverent wonder. It took all of Blair's willpower not to reach out and stroke the pulsating shaft. It was thick and covered with throbbing veins. He looked back up to Jim's face. ``I want to see you touch yourself. Please.'' 

Jim didn't speak, but lifted his hand to his erection and began stroking it slowly; almost shyly. His skin was flushed and hot. 

``You were, um, going to talk me through it,'' Jim reminded him. 

Blair blinked, and looked into Jim's eyes. ``Oh, yeah. Right,'' he muttered, snapping himself out of his reverie. ``I, uh, don't know where to begin. You're so...gorgeous; more than I even imagined. And believe me, I've imagined,'' he exclaimed and then his cheeks flushed, afraid he'd given away too much. But Jim only smiled. 

``Tell me,'' he whispered invitingly. 

``Well, um, I always imagine starting with kissing your neck because, well, I already love your scent, so I just know you're gonna taste good,'' Blair said, chuckling nervously. 

Jim sighed and continued to stroke himself. 

``And then I...uh...I run my hands over your chest and you're skin is so smooth; so soft, it's like I'm gliding over it.'' 

Jim let out a soft moan and closed his eyes. His hand was moving faster. 

Blair decided that in light of Jim's reaction, he could be a little bolder. ``Then I press kisses down your chest and stop at your nipple. I swirl my tongue around it and bite it.'' 

Jim gasped. ``Jesus, Blair!'' 

``Do you want me to stop?'' 

``No!'' He looked straight into Blair's eyes, sending the message loud and clear. 

``After I suck the other nipple, I move down, kissing your belly and then I stop at your groin. I can see that you're hard; hard for me and it turns me on like you wouldn't believe,'' Blair said, almost panting now. He was so hard, it hurt. And he was aching to touch Jim; to do all the things he was talking about. But he knew he had to control that urge or it would be all over. 

Jim kept pumping his erection, his breath coming out in short gasps. 

``And I stroke my fingers over the length of you, just a whisper of a touch and I feel you twitch under me. You look so hot lying there, your body flushed with heat and desire. I can't help myself, so I lean over and take you in my mouth. I feel the length of you throbbing in my warm, wet mouth,'' Blair said. 

``Oh Goooddd,'' Jim moaned, his hips now moving in sync with his hand. Even in the moonlight, Blair could see how dark and swollen Jim's cock was. _I'm going to make you come tonight, Jim. Me. Blair Sandburg._

``And now my mouth is moving faster over you and you start thrusting yourself into me. You're fucking my mouth and I can taste your pre-come. I stop sucking you for a moment and pull my mouth away and you groan in disappointment. I stick my finger inside my mouth and wet it and ask you if I can slide it into your ass while I suck you.'' 

Jim's eyes opened wide in astonishment and something else - curiosity? 

``I say, `Please, Jim. Please let me slip my finger inside you,` '' Blair said, still in the fantasy; part of him wishing they could move past it into reality. ``I tell you how good it will feel; how I can find your prostate and give you a mind-blowing orgasm and you say...'' 

``Do it,'' Jim finished for him, his voice raspy with hard desire. 

``Jim?'' Now it was Blair's turn to look astonished. 

``Do it,'' Jim repeated, a tinge of desperation in his voice. His hand has slowed again, as if he was waiting for Blair. He spread his feet, which were resting flat on the bed, further apart. 

Blair blinked but there was no mistaking the look in Jim's eyes. He was serious. _Oh God,_ Blair thought, his stomach flip-flopping. He quickly wet his finger in his mouth and moved his hand in between Jim's legs while the Sentinel watched him. _Jesus, James. He's not stopping me._

He pressed his finger against the puckered opening, swirling the wetness around and testing the resilience there. Jim moaned again and Blair moved in just a little. 

``Yes,'' Jim whispered and Blair could see the muscles on his neck straining. Blair moved in deeper and Jim started to pump his fist faster. Sounds were coming from Jim that Blair had never heard before and - Jesus Christ - they were turning him on. Blair wiggled in as deep as he could, feeling for the small protrusion and then - bingo. He'd barely stroked it once when Jim screamed and came in a flood. His muscles squeezed around Blair's finger and he came, too. 

``Oh man. Oh man,'' Blair said and laid back on the bed trying to get his breath back. He could hear Jim taking some deep breaths, too. After a few minutes, Blair went to the bathroom and changed out of his wet boxers, cleaning himself up. He brought back a damp washcloth for Jim, who was still lying on his back, looking both stunned and satiated at the same time. 

``You want me to clean this up?'' Blair offered. Jim looked up and nodded. Blair brushed the wet cloth gently over Jim's skin, then handed Jim the clothes he'd discarded on the floor. 

He brought the washcloth back to the bathroom and hung it over the sink's edge. When he returned to the bedside, Jim was dressed again and under the blanket. 

Blair wasn't sure if he should get back into the bed with Jim or sleep in the other one. 

``Uh, Jim?'' 

Jim looked up at him, confused about why Blair was standing there. Then he seem to get it. 

``It's okay, Chief,'' he said and patted the spot next to him. Blair snuggled up close to Jim, kissed him lightly on the shoulder and promptly fell asleep. 

* * *

When Blair woke the next morning, Jim was already in the shower. He blinked his eyes, trying to adjust to the morning light and swung his arm over his face. His stomach started to lurch as he remembered what happened the night before and he wondered - no, worried - how Jim was dealing with it. 

Could he be regretting what happened? Is that why he jumped into the shower before Blair could wake up? To avoid the morning-after talk? _Jesus, Sandburg, you're getting paranoid,_ he admonished himself. He looked at the clock. It was already 8:30 am. Jim had probably been awake for hours and just couldn't stand lying around waiting for Blair to wake up. That's all. 

He rolled out of bed and walked over to the coffee machine and started to measure the grounds. He grabbed the pot and walked over to the bathroom door. He knocked. 

``Uh, Jim? Can I get some water for the coffee?'' 

``Sure.'' 

He opened the door and was hit by a rush of steamy air. His arm came up instinctively to wave some of the steam away. He stepped up to the sink and turned on the water, holding the pot under the faucet. 

``Hey, man, don't use up all the hot water!'' he said and slipped back out, closing the door. Part of him wished that Jim would ask him to join him in the shower, but Blair knew it was too soon for that. 

By the time the coffee was ready, Jim was finished dressing and had come out of the bathroom. He walked over to the dresser and put his things away. Blair walked up behind and put a hand gently on his back. ``Good morning.'' 

Jim tensed. ``Don't.'' 

Blair flinched and pulled back. ``What?'' 

``Nothing, it's just...'' 

``Just what?'' Blair asked, sounding wounded. 

``I don't know. I just...`' Jim tried to explain. ``I think maybe it's all moving too fast.'' 

``Too fast?'' Blair asked, his tone expressing his disbelief. 

``Yeah, Chief. Too fast. I'm sorry. I guess I'm just not ready.'' 

Blair's eyes narrowed; his face turning red with anger and embarrassment. ``I don't understand.'' 

Jim wouldn't look him in the eye. ``I know. I'm sorry. You just...you seemed to need me last night and I...'' 

Then Blair's anger blossomed and grew. ``You prick! Are you putting this on me? Are you trying to make me feel guilty? Is that what you're doing? Because that is not going to happen, Jim. You just remember that what happened last night -- I didn't start it. You did. You set the pace. You asked me to...to...touch you. You did that.'' 

``I know, Chief. I guess I got caught up in the moment.'' 

``What the fuck does that mean?'' Blair blurted, his voice loud. ``You got caught up in the moment? What? What? Does that mean you were just horny and so you just let it happen because it was convenient?'' His eyes were open wide with horror. 

``I...I guess. I don't know.'' 

Blair shut down then. ``You know what, Jim? Fuck you.'' He walked to the dresser, grabbed some clothes, walked to the bathroom and slammed the door shut. 

``Fucker,'' he muttered as he slipped under the spray. ``Head game-playing, selfish, uptight asshole,'' he whispered, but he knew Jim could hear him. ``That's right, I'm talking to you!'' 

*How did I let this happen? How? Months of keeping my guard up and now - now - I let it fall apart? Why? Damn it! I should have known better. Mr. Repressed is never going to admit he might have feelings - sexual feelings - for another man. Never. Next, he`ll be accusing me of seduction,* Blair thought bitterly. 

After he finished drying himself off, Blair picked up his clothes and realized he'd forgotten to get underwear in his furious hurry to get into the bathroom and away from Jim. ``Fuck!'' Now what? He felt like crying at the injustice of it all. He listened at the door to see if Jim was still there, but didn't hear anything. 

_What if he's there and just being quiet?_ he thought and then decided, _Fuck it._

He opened the door and stepped out into the room, not even bothering with the towel. No sign of Jim. He made a beeline for the dresser. He had just opened the drawer, when he heard the porch door swing open. Jim stood there, staring at him with wide eyes. 

Blair was too angry to be embarrassed. He turned and faced Jim with his hands on hips defiantly. ``What?'' he snapped. 

Jim raised his hands in defeat and Blair continued his task, carrying his fresh underwear back to the bathroom. He felt Jim's eyes on him. Probably just my imagination. 

``I want to go home,'' Blair said when he came out of the bathroom. He grabbed his bag and started to pack up his stuff. 

``You sure, Chief? There's lots of other stuff to do around here and we don't have to leave for Cascade until...'' Blair glared at him. ``Okay, Chief, sure.'' 

They packed the car up in record time and were on the road right after breakfast. Blair had remained stubbornly silent, despite Jim's efforts to get him to talk. 

Thirty minutes into the ride home, Jim tried again. 

``Look, Chief, I'm sorry that I freaked out. I guess I'm a little surprised at my own reaction last night. It's not you. It's me. It's all me.'' 

But Blair continued to ignore him, looking out the window as if Jim had never spoken to him. 

``Oh come on, Sandburg! Are you going to ignore me all the way home?'' he asked, sounding irritated. 

Blair turned to him then, his face full of fury. ``Don't you dare be pissed at me! I opened up to you yesterday. I told you everything and then I stepped back. Everything that happened after that was all you. So don't you fucking be pissed at me.'' 

``You're right, Chief. I just don't like being ignored. I'm trying to fix this.'' 

``Well, you can't. Okay? So just deal with it.'' 

``What do you mean? This can't be fixed? Are you saying the friendship is over; that you can`t forgive me?'' 

Blair snorted. ``I wish it were that easy. And no, that's not what I mean. It's just I'm pissed and I'm hurting and you're just going to have deal with it until I'm over it.'' He stopped speaking and turned back toward his window. 

A half hour later, Blair spoke seemingly out of the blue, but didn`t look at Jim. ``You know what's the worst part? You gave me hope, man, and then you just blew it all to ashes.'' And he didn't speak the rest of the way home. 

* * *

With the chase over, the bad guys caught and Blair coming away unscathed for a change, Jim headed home in his truck. Blair offered to stop on the way home to pick up something for dinner. So Jim got home first and opened a beer. He sat at the table looking through the mail and waited for Sandburg to get back. 

Blair arrived 20 minutes later, announcing they were having linguini with clam sauce and proceeded to get right to the preparation. He made no mention of how his classes went that day nor asked Jim anything about his day. He cooked in silence and served in silence, until Jim thought he might go crazy. 

After they finished eating, Blair got up to gather the dishes when Jim stopped him with a touch on the arm. 

``Come on, chief. You going to give me the silent treatment indefinitely?'' 

Blair gave him an impatient look and then glanced down at Jim's hand on his arm. Jim let go and sat back in his seat. ``Fine, Blair. Have it your way. I'll just pretend you're a boarder and you have your own life - one that has nothing to do with me. Of course, I'll have to pretend you pay me for rent, too.'' 

``You prick,'' Blair whispered, his face turned away. 

``What was that, Chief? You knew I heard that, right?'' Jim asked calmly. 

Blair turned back to face Jim. ``Fuck you, Jim. You think this is funny? Well, I don't. What do you want from me?'' 

``I want things to be the way they were before.'' 

``Before what? Before you asked me to stick my finger up your ass? Before the dissertation fiasco? Before your girlfriend killed me?'' 

Jim flinched, as if struck. 

``Cause it can never be the same again. You know that, don't you? Everything's changed. And you just don't want to admit it. That's fine. You can go on live in your little delusion. I don't think I'll be joining you, though.'' He dropped some dishes into the sink and went back for some more. 

``Look, Sandburg, I know a lot of things have happened. And I'm sorry I can't be the person you want me to be. But I thought we were still friends. Aren't we?'' 

``Jesus, Jim. Are you listening to yourself? `I'm sorry I can't be the person you want me to be.' What the fuck does that mean?!'' Blair asked, mocking Jim. ``Are you trying to put this on me? Is this somehow my fault? I seduced poor, straight Jim with my wiles? Please! You know, all these years, I wondered why people kept leaving you; why you couldn't seem to find a lasting relationship. Well, uh, I don't wonder anymore, Jim.'' 

Jim gasped quietly, unable to believe Blair had just said those words to him. ``And, no, that wasn't aimed to hurt you. Really, it wasn't. It was just honest. Because you never share yourself with anyone. You never let anyone in. I thought maybe things could be different with you and me, but I was wrong. The thing is, you're selfish, Jim. You only share yourself when it's convenient or necessary for you. Doesn't matter how the other person feels. 

``I have shared so much of myself with you and gotten so little in return, I sometimes wonder why I even bother. But those few glimpses I had of the kind, loving person you are always kept me around. That, and the belief that you needed me. You know? I love you, Jim. I've never loved anyone as much as I love you, with the possible exception of Naomi. And she sure as hell never got as close to knowing who I am as you did. 

``But everyone reaches a breaking point and for me, this is it. I could have lived with just friendship. I did for four years. But then you had to go and give me hope and then yank it away in one fell swoop. Better you shouldn't have ever offered it. 

``I feel sorry for you, man, cause you can't open up. Or you won't. I don't know which. But I know that I've had enough. I'll help you with your senses, if you need me. But that's all I can offer right now. Now it's my turn to be selfish.'' With that, he threw the last of the dishes in the sink, walked over to the door, grabbed his coat and keys and slammed the door shut on his way out. 

* * *

_Fuck._

_I really didn't see that one coming. It wasn't at all like Sandburg to blow up like that. I mean, sure, he's done it, but not often and very rarely before the accident. And nothing like today. This was bad and I had this horrible fear that I was going to lose him for good. That he'd move out and we'd grow further and further apart. I had to do something to repair the damage but I had no idea what that was._

_The things he said cut deep, but I couldn't deny the truth in them. I did shut people out when they got too close and now I was doing it to Blair. How could I change something about myself that had been a part of me for nearly 40 years?_

* * *

``Sandy, why have you been in such a foul mood lately? I haven't seen you this cranky since the Brad Ventriss mess. Does this have something to do with a case?'' 

``No, Megan.'' 

``Well, what then? The weekend in the mountains?'' They were standing in the break room, getting coffee. Jim was out questioning witnesses. 

Blair smiled sadly at that. ``Jim can't deal with the fact that he loves me.'' 

``What do you mean? Of course, Jim loves you, Sandy. You`re his best frie...'' 

``No, Megan. I mean he _loves_ me and I love him, but he won't deal with it. He won't accept it.'' 

Megan looked confused for a moment, then the light dawned. ``But Jim's not...'' 

``No, Megan. Neither am I. Jesus, is there only one way to see this?'' Blair said, annoyed. ``Gay, straight, bi. Sometimes it's not about that; sometimes it's just about love.'' 

``W...well, uh, I suppose you have a point,'' Megan said. ``Truth be told, I'm not really surprised. I've seen the way you two look at each other.'' 

Blair looked surprised and Megan just nodded. ``Well, I'm in love with him. But Jim won't get past his damn conditioning - society; whatever the fuck the barriers are.'' 

``Perhaps you two need to get away somewhere together?'' 

``Go away? We just went away. Didn't do much good, unless you count me getting a sneak peak of everything I've wanted for the past four years, only to have it yanked away.'' 

``I mean further away. Longer. Maybe someplace like San Francisco?'' Megan suggested. 

Blair shook his head. ``Uh uh. If I take Jim to the gay mecca of the U.S., then he'll feel like I'm backing him into a corner. He needs to want this to happen.'' 

``Well I guess that leaves you only one choice, Sandy.'' 

``What?'' 

``Seduce him.'' 

``Seduce Jim? Yeah, that's likely to happen.'' 

``Oh come on, Sandy, I know you've got it in you. You've certainly had enough practice on women. Isn't seduction your specialty? Work your charms on Jim.'' 

``How?'' 

``Oh, I`m sure you can come up with something. You have to convince the man that he can't live without you.'' 

Blair stopped talking for a minute and thought about what Megan had said. _Seduce Jim. Jesus, could it work? It would have to be about more than sex, though. Just getting him into bed is not going to work. It'll just be a repeat of the weekend at the cabin. He'll just feel guilty the next morning. I have to make Jim realize that he can't live without me; that I mean everything to him._

``Seduction,'' he murmured out loud. ``Yeah, that could work. Thanks, Megan,'' he said and stepped back into the bullpen. Megan smiled as he walked away. 

* * *

Thursday night, Blair heard the door open from his bedroom, but he didn't go out to greet Jim right away. Jim tossed his keys in the basket and stretched his arms over his head, groaning a bit. 

Blair came out then, walking quietly into the kitchen. 

``Hey, Chief.'' 

``I made chicken if you're hungry.'' 

``Thanks. I'll wait a bit,'' he said, flopping down on the couch. 

``How was the stakeout?'' Blair asked, filling the sink with soapy water and dirty dishes. 

``Not so great. The suspect showed up and sent Joel and I on a rough chase. Ended up knocking me into a brick wall. My muscles are sore as hell.'' 

_Perfect._ Blair turned the water off, wiped his hands off, and walked over to the couch. He stood behind Jim, looking down at his head resting on the back. His eyes were closed. Blair reached out and pressed his hands firmly onto Jim's shoulders. 

Jim groaned contentedly for a moment, then seemed to realize something was wrong with the picture. ``Uh, Chief?'' 

``Yeah?'' 

He leaned forward then, regretting the loss of Blair`s hands instantly. ``What's going on?'' 

``Don't know what you mean, man.'' 

``I mean, you haven't spoken more than 10 words to me in the past four days and now this? What's up?'' 

``Nothing's up. I just decided I was over it. Okay? It's not what you want and I just have to accept it. Not much else I can do, is there? Pouting certainly hasn't helped,'' he said, smiling wryly. 

Jim smiled and eased back on the couch. ``I'm glad to hear it, Chief. Never thought I'd miss the sound of your voice.'' Blair gave him a swat across the head. ``Hey! That was a compliment!'' 

``Then you definitely need to work on that.'' 

Jim titled his head back and looked up at Blair. ``So, are we okay, Sandburg?'' 

``Yeah, Jim. We're okay. You're still my best friend. And I'm still your guide. Nothing's ever gonna change that.'' 

Jim smiled and relaxed. Blair's hands played over his shoulders, easing out the tension, kneading the muscles. Jim sighed and closed eyes. 

* * *

_It's been over three weeks since that weekend at Stony Mountain and Blair hasn't said another word about what we talked about there since those first four hellacious days. Ever since that ever so delightful backrub, he's been back to the same old Blair. The man he was before the drowning. Bouncy, happy, chatty. All the things I love about him._

_I figured he'd have some bad days. Get angry. Take it out on me. But nothing like that so far. He seems genuinely happy. Maybe just getting it off his chest like that helped. I don't know. But it seems to be the only explanation and I am not doing any complaining._

_Well, maybe a little complaining. I kind of hoped he would push harder; make me talk about that weekend in the cabin, even though I'm not sure I could. Jesus, why does everything have to be so damn hard?_

* * *

**PART 2**

* * *

``I'm so afraid to love you, but more afraid to loose  
Clinging to a past that doesn't let me choose  
Once there was a darkness, a deep and endless night  
You gave me everything you had, oh you gave me light.''  
\--Sarah McLachlan, I Will Remember You

* * *

Jim was dressed casually in jeans, sipping his coffee when Blair rolled out of bed one Sunday morning in late June. It was the day of the annual Cascade PD picnic at Lake Stevens. All the officers and detectives agreed to work short shifts so that everyone would have a chance to attend. Jim was working for four hours that morning and would be able to head out to the lake by noon. 

``So you want me to wait for you? Or go alone today?'' Blair asked, pouring himself a cup of coffee. 

``No. Go ahead out to the picnic early. Have fun.'' 

Blair nodded, sipping his coffee. 

Jim put his cup in the sink and grabbed his keys from the basket. ``I'll see you later, Chief.'' 

``Aren't you going to bring shorts or swim trunks for later?'' Blair asked. 

``Yeah. They're already in the truck.'' 

Blair laughed. ``I should have known.'' 

With that, Jim was gone and Blair headed for the shower. 

* * *

When Jim arrived at that lake around 1 p.m., he headed over to the table where most of Major Crimes staff was gathered. No sign of Blair, but he saw Simon, Rafe and H sitting down eating burgers and hot dogs. He scanned the picnic area and the beach beyond, but hadn't located Blair before Simon called him. He heard giggling and shouting from a group of people near the beach. 

``It's about time you got here,'' Simon said. 

``Yeah, well, someone has to catch the bad guys,'' Jim complained. ``Where's Sandburg?'' He asked and sat down at the picnic table. 

``Showing off for all the ladies,'' Simon said, shaking his head and smiling. 

``And not a few gentlemen,'' Megan added as she walked up to the table. 

Jim frowned. ``What the hell does that mean?'' 

``Take a look for yourself,'' Megan said, pointing behind Jim. She had a knowing smirk on her face. 

Jim wondered what that look meant and turned just as a Frisbee went flying past their table. A group of about 10 people chased it, led by his partner, who leapt high in the air, stretching his arms to grasp the flying disc before it floated to the ground. 

_Jesus Christ,_ Jim thought irrationally, _he's naked._ He wasn't, of course, but near enough to make Jim do a double take. Blair's chest was bare, his t-shirt hanging from back of his cut-off denim shorts, which really didn't begin to describe the length of what was barely covering his ass. They were frayed and worn and so short that everyone got a nice preview of said ass. 

Jim shook his head, trying to clear it, but the image replayed itself in his head. Blair jumping, straining for the Frisbee. His lean torso stretching and bending. The nipple ring, nestled in the curly chest hair, winking in the sun, pulling Jim's eyes toward it. 

He blinked the image away and watched as Blair turned to return the disc, his legs bent, the shorts pressing snuggly against his full, rounded ass. His eyesight kicked in then, honing in on a small tear near the pocket's edge, not quite covered by the dangling shirt. He could clearly discern the pale flesh beneath the cloth. Sandburg had gone commando! _If he keeps running around like that, more than his ass is going to be hanging out,_ Jim thought angrily. 

The Frisbee sailed from Blair's fingertips and his entire entourage cheered him on. Several complimented him on the distance he'd thrown the disc. Some of them touched his skin, making Jim see red. Blair ran toward the crowd of receivers and his group followed him. Jim shook his head, irritated. _What is he - a rock star, for chrissakes?_

``Has this been going on all morning?'' he asked, trying to hide his pique. 

``The Frisbee game? Only for about a half hour, but Sandy has had a swarm around him since he arrived in those deliciously yummy shorts,'' Megan said. She was practically purring as her eyes followed Sandburg's retreating behind. 

``Hey, Megan, you need a drool pan?'' Henri teased her, holding a cup in her direction. She waved him away. 

``You men are all just jealous because Sandy's getting all the attention.'' 

``I am not jealous, Conner. I am, quite frankly, a little taken aback that Blair would show off so blatantly.'' 

``Oh, come on, Jim! Sandy almost never lets loose when he's with us. Let him have some fun! I, for one, am thoroughly enjoying it.'' 

``Conner's right, Jim. Let the kid have a little fun,'' Simon said. ``He hasn't always felt comfortable enough to just be himself around us cops.'' 

Jim sighed. ``I'm not against Sandburg having fun, Simon. I just think he's carrying it a little far with the...the...'' 

``Near nudity?'' Conner provided with a teasing smirk on her face. _That leer really has to go,_ Jim thought. 

Jim looked out toward the crowd again. ``Those women are practically throwing themselves at him!'' 

``So what's new about that, Jim?'' Simon asked, smiling. 

``Don't forget the men, Jim,'' Rafe remarked, snickering. 

``That's right. More than a couple of male officers have offered Blair their phone numbers,'' Megan said, winking conspiratorially at Rafe, H and Simon. 

``Connor...'' Jim growled in warning. 

``Hey Jim, you're here.'' 

Jim turned his head to see Blair walking toward him, looking like somebody's idea (his?) of a wet dream. His chest hair was damp with sweat and glistening in the sun. The nipple ring teased him from the peaked flesh. Blair's short curls clung to the sweat on his face and his smile - aimed only at him - made Jim's heart do a flip flop. 

``Hey, Chief,'' he said evenly. ``Looks like you've been having fun.'' Behind him, Megan snorted. 

Jim shot her a glare and stood up, walking over to Blair. ``Listen, buddy, can I talk to you for a second?'' 

``Sure, man, what's up?'' 

Jim put an arm around his sweaty shoulder and guided him away from the Major Crimes gang. ``Let's take a walk.'' 

``Looks like young Blair is going to have a serious talk with Dad,'' Jim heard H joke. He ignored it and kept walking until he was sure they were out of earshot. 

``Blair, um, don't you think you're maybe going a little overboard on the Romeo thing?'' Jim asked. 

Blair looked at him, a puzzled look on his face. ``What are you talking about?'' 

``I...uh...well...'' Jim sputtered, unable to form a coherent sentence. As his thoughts formed, he realized how stupid they sounded, even to him. _Aren't you a little underdressed?_ he wanted to ask, but Blair would probably counter with some irritatingly logical comment about the picnic being at a beach. ``Those, uh, shorts look a little snug, Chief,'' popped out of his mouth before he could stop himself. 

``Yeah, Jim. That's the idea. Gets the ladies attention,'' he said, grinning like the Cheshire cat. 

``And not a few gentlemen,'' he said to himself, echoing Megan. 

``What?'' 

``Never mind. Look, Chief, I just meant...well...you're going commando, aren't you?'' And again his mouth engaged before his brain gave it permission. He flushed crimson when he saw the look on Blair's face. 

``Jim! Man, are you checking out my ass?'' He was still grinning. 

``No, Sandburg. I am not checking out your ass. But lots of other...people are!'' 

``So what? What's your point?'' 

``So, my point is that without proper, uh, wrapping, other...things could fall out of the package. If you know what I mean,'' Jim whispered. He felt positively mortified to be having this conversation. 

Blair laughed out loud. ``Oh man, you are too much. Not to worry, Jim. I got it all covered,'' he said and snorted at his own joke. ``Listen, I'm heading down to the beach for a dip. Gotta wash off all this sweat. Wanna join me?'' Jim shivered at the word sweat. 

Just then a young woman passed by Blair, smiling at him. ``Hey, Sarah,'' he greeted her and Jim realized it was one of the secretaries from burglary. 

``Hey Blair. You looked great out there,'' she said, her eyes greedily scanning him. She reached out and put her hand on his hip, practically stroking his ass. Jim's blood began to boil. 

``Does this look like some kind of strip club to you?'' Jim barked at her, startling both Sarah and Blair. ``Why don't you just slip a dollar bill in his g-string?`' They both looked at him like he was crazy. 

``What is the matter with you?'' Blair asked. 

``Nothing. Just...forget it,'' he said and walked away. 

``What is his problem?'' he heard Sarah ask. 

``Never mind. Wanna go take a dip in the lake?'' 

``Sure.'' 

* * *

_I stop and watch Sandburg walk toward the beach and then I turn and head off in to the woods alone, past the Major Crimes gang ignoring their greetings._

_The image comes again, unbidden. I see Blair flying through the air, his long, lean torso stretching, twisting, reaching for the careening disc. I see his face straining and sweating; then the joy when he catches it. He's so beautiful when he's smiling and happy and carefree._

_No. No. I can't do this. I can't. I need to make these thoughts and feelings go away. Why are they so relentless? Why are they so painful? I feel like I'm drowning in them. I wish for the thousandth time that there was somebody I could talk to about this. But there's no one. No one at all I know who would understand this. No one I know who wouldn't see my shame and judge me._

*I gotta get out of here. Away from Sandburg. Away from this damn celebration. I hurry over to Simon, make a cursory good-bye, explaining ``headache,'' and I'm gone. Back to the safe haven of my truck and the open road. Maybe if I drive far enough, I can outrun this thing.* 

* * *

When Jim got home from work on Thursday, Blair was out on a date; his third one that week. Jim was just as happy to have him out of his hair. Helped with resisting temptation and all that. 

He turned on Sandburg's computer, which was another weird, new thing for him. The first time he'd used it - Monday - it had been an accident, really. He'd come home to find the computer on and still hooked up to the internet. He sat down to turn the damn thing off when he heard this strange chiming sound. A box appeared across the screen with a message on it. 

DevilRed: Hey 

That was it. Just hey. Did Blair know this guy or gal known as DevilRed, he wondered. Should he ignore it or respond. Should he tell the person Blair wasn't around? He started to slowly type in a message, then realized that even if Blair had chatted with this person, they might not be on a first name basis. He looked at the top of the message box to locate Blair's screenname and snorted. LoveProf. Please. He rolled his eyes. 

LoveProf: LoveProf's not here. This is a friend. 

DevilRed: okay, friend, what do I call you? 

_What indeed? He thought for a minute. Middle names were safe, right?_

LoveProf: Joe 

DevilRed: Okay, Joe, wanna chat? 

And that had been the start of it. Turns out DevilRed didn't know Blair. He'd only just sent Blair a message blindly. And it turned out DevilRed was a male; an openly bisexual male. By their second conversation on Tuesday night, Jim amazed himself by telling DevilRed about Blair, the disaster in the cabin, and his freakout the morning after. Jim always referred to Blair as ``my partner.'' 

Before he knew it, Jim had poured everything out to this stranger he didn't know and yet somehow did. Jim found himself opening up to this man, telling him things he would never tell anyone he knew; things he could never say with anyone looking at him. That Tuesday night, they chatted for almost four hours. And by the time it was over, DevilRed told Jim his name was Andy. Jim didn't know if it was a real name, but it felt more personal than calling him DevilRed. 

On Wednesday night, Blair stayed home. His date of the day had apparently cancelled. Jim spent the evening restlessly pacing; itching to get online and see if Andy was around. 

``Jim, what is up with you tonight? You're like a cat on a hot tin roof.'' 

``Nothing is wrong with me. I'm going to the gym,'' he said. He grabbed his gym bag and headed out. When he got back, Blair was still awake and on the computer. Jim had a moment of panic. What if Andy sent a message to Blair, thinking it was Jim? 

``Anything happen while I was gone?'' Jim inquired. 

``No.'' 

``Are you online?'' 

``Yeah, why?'' 

``No reason. Been chatting with anyone tonight?'' 

``Chatting? No. Just surfing.'' 

``So, no one sent you a message?'' 

``You know, Jim, I don't think you worked out long enough. You're pacing again and you seem really, really agitated.'' 

``Give me a break, Sandburg. I'm just having a conversation with you here.'' 

``Sure you are.'' 

``So? No chats?'' 

``Why do you care?'' 

``I don't! I'm just curious.'' 

``No chats. Okay? Curiosity satisfied?'' Blair went back to typing. 

``No one sent you a message? Maybe someone you didn't know?'' 

Blair looked up again, irritation clear on his face. ``Jim, are you trying to drive me crazy?'' 

``No. It's just that I've heard that sometimes creeps can bother people on those things. Messengers.'' 

``And you're concerned for my safety? Don't worry, Jim. I don't give out any personal information when I chat with strangers, okay?'' 

``So, you weren't chatting with a stranger tonight?'' 

``No.'' 

``Hmm. Okay. Well, I'm heading up to bed.'' 

``Good.'' 

Jim was halfway up the stairs when he heard the messenger chime. _Shit. Oh shit. Here it comes._

He watched Blair read the message and respond. Then nothing. 

``Who was that?'' Jim called down. 

Blair looked up, confused. ``Who was who?'' 

``I heard the messenger chime.'' 

``Nobody Jim. Someone who got the wrong name.'' 

``Oh?'' 

``Yeah. He was looking for some guy named Joe, okay? Go to sleep.'' 

Jim breathed a sigh of relief. _I have to get my own screen name_ , he decided while stripping off his clothes and getting into bed. 

Thursday night, Blair was out again and Jim was back on the computer. He waited an hour before Andy showed up. 

DevilRed: Joe? 

LoveProf: Yeah, it's me. Sorry I couldn't respond last night. My roommate was home. It's his computer. 

DevilRed: I figured. 

LoveProf: I got my own screenname. Joe63. I wanted to tell you before switching over, okay? 

DevilRed: Ok 

A minute later, Jim sent Andy a message under his new screenname. 

Joe63: I'm back. 

DevilRed: So, how's it going with your partner? 

Joe63: Same 

DevilRed: you really need to talk to him. 

Joe63: I can't 

DevilRed: what are you afraid of? 

Joe63: i don't know. everything about this has been freaking me out. 

DevilRed: That's because you're seeing yourself in an entirely new way. takes some getting used to. 

Joe63: tell me. 

DevilRed: he loves you, right? 

Joe63: he said so, yeah 

DevilRed: and you obviously have feelings for him. 

Joe63: I do, yeah, but I don't know exactly what they are. Sometimes it's just a strong protective feeling. Other times, it feels like more. 

DevilRed: and you're afraid of starting something only to find yourself backing out? 

Joe63: something like that. 

DevilRed: Do you ever fantasize about your partner? 

Joe63: No! 

DevilRed: never? 

Joe63: well, I think about him a lot, but not like that. 

DevilRed: maybe you need to try it. 

Joe63: I don't know if I can 

DevilRed: if you don't try, you'll never know. 

So he tried, but he could never get past the kissing. Strangely, he would often imagine talking with Blair about how he felt. Never much of a talker in reality, he was fairly verbose in his fantasies. He found himself telling Blair how much he cared for him; how much he wanted to hold him and how at home he felt when Blair touched him. 

He would close his eyes and imagine Blair looking at him with love and passion; his deep blue eyes lit up just for Jim. It made his stomach plummet and turn. His eyes would wander over Blair's beautiful face, studying the lines and curves. 

Blair had soft, curly hair, penetrating eyes, and luscious, full lips. But he was so...so male and didn't that go against everything Jim believed about himself? He loved Blair and he could imagine kissing him, tasting those stunning lips. But could he touch Blair the way Blair had touched him? Put his hand and mouth on another man's cock; another man's ass? He was so uncertain. And if he couldn't, it would be so unfair to Blair. 

* * *

When Jim got home from work on Friday, Blair was sitting at the table, typing on his computer. He greeted Jim and told him dinner would be ready in 15 minutes. He had meatloaf in the oven. Jim nodded, grabbed a beer from the fridge and went to sit on the couch. 

``So who's Joe?'' Blair asked out of the blue. 

``Who?'' 

``Joe.'' 

``I don't know. Why are you asking me?'' 

``Joe63 on my AIM. That you?'' 

Jim's mouth opened in surprise. He quickly closed it. ``How did you...'' 

``I have my AIM set up to turn on automatically when I go on line. Today, it didn't do that. When I checked it, the screen name Joe63 appeared in the sign-in box. You wanna tell me what's going on?'' 

``Nothing. I just...Monday you left the thing on line. When I went to turn it off, there was a message from someone. I thought it was a friend of yours, so I told them you weren't here. Turns out they didn't know you, so I started chatting with them. Then I decided to get my own screen name. That's it. No big deal.'' 

``Your chat buddy was this DevilRed person who IM`d me the other night?'' 

Jim nodded. 

``So that's why you were acting all wiggy the other night when I was on line?'' 

``I wasn't acting all wiggy, Sandburg. I just didn't want DevilRed to confuse you with me. That's all.'' 

``So you must have had some fairly personal conversations with her if you were worried about that. Jim, are you having cyber sex with her?'' 

``No. Jesus, Sandburg! DevilRed is a man. And I don't have cyber sex.'' 

Blair blinked. ``A man?'' 

``Yeah, Chief. A man. Is that a problem?'' 

``And you were worried this man would think I was you and perhaps enlighten me on one of your intimate conversations?'' he asked, waggling his eyebrows. 

Jim sighed. ``Must you always make everything sound so sordid?'' 

``Chill, Jim. I was just teasing you. So what did you and this devil guy talk about?'' 

``His name is Andy and it's none of your business.'' 

* * *

Blair came home from the academy the following Friday, walked passed Jim, and jumped in the shower quickly. When he came out, he hurried into his room and began dressing. 

``Hey, you wanna eat? I cooked dinner.'' 

``No, man, I have a date.'' 

Jim couldn't decide if he was upset or relieved about that. ``Another one of your picnic oglers?'' Jim teased him. 

``As a matter of fact, yes,'' Blair said, emerging from his room. Jim involuntarily drew in his breath when he looked at Blair, who was wearing a form-fitting, v-neck t-shirt, showing off a peek of masculine chest hair and the ever-prominent Adam's apple. He could see the outline of the nipple ring through the shirt. The white of the shirt set off the warmer shade of olive of Blair's skin, thanks to his recent exposure to the sun at the picnic. Blair's jeans were worn and fit him just right. Jim found himself swallowing hard. 

``Who's the lucky lady? The one who had her hand on your ass?'' 

Ignoring the jibe, Blair said casually, ``Actually, no. As it happens, my date is Jerry Blackwell from robbery.'' 

Jim's eyes widened. ``Geri? As in short for Geraldine?'' 

``No. As in short for Jerrold,'' Blair said, busying himself buckling his belt so he didn't have to look at Jim's expression. 

Several moments of silence passed and Blair finally lifted his eyes to look at Jim, who had a stunned expression on his face. 

``Is this a joke?'' Jim asked, when he finally broke the silence. 

``No,'' Blair said, more calmly than he felt. 

Another few moments passed in silence, as Blair picked up his backpack and headed for the door. 

Jim snapped out of his reverie and strode across the room in three steps, gently grabbing hold of Blair`s arm. ``Don't do it, Chief.'' 

``Why not?'' 

Silence again. 

``Come on, man. Why not?'' 

``I don't want you to.'' 

``What do you care anyway? What are you afraid of? Having a gay roommate? Afraid the guys at the station will treat you different if you have a roommate who dates guys?'' 

``No! You're not even close.'' 

``Then what? Cause I'm running out of guesses here. It's sure not because you want me for yourself. I mean after I touched you at the cabin, which obviously repulsed you, I'm surprised you can even stand having me here.'' 

``Chief, that's not true. I didn't...It wasn't...'' 

``What, Jim?'' 

He turned his back to Blair, unable to speak. Blair stepped up behind him, close enough to touch, and waited. 

``I liked it.'' 

``You liked what, Jim?'' Blair knew he was pushing, but he had to hear it. 

``I liked when you touched me,'' his voice was hoarse. 

``Then why have you been pushing me away?'' 

``I'm afraid.'' 

``Of what?'' 

Jim didn't answer. 

``Come on, man. Tell me.'' 

He took a deep breath. ``Of not being able to touch you,'' he whispered. 

* * *

_Oh God. That's it,_ Blair thought. All the air left his lungs in a whoosh. Of all the scenarios he'd mulled over, this one had never crossed his mind. _Jesus, now what? Think, Sandburg, think. I am not giving up this easily. Jim responded when I kissed him and when I touched him, but he's worried he won't be able to touch me intimately. There's gotta be a way to test this._

``Jim, I can totally understand where you're coming from. It's a scary thought to start touching another man intimately at this point in your life. Let me, uh, let me give this some thought, okay?'' 

Jim nodded but didn't look at Blair. 

``Look, I gotta run. I'm meeting Jerry in 15 minutes,'' Blair said, looking at his watch. Jim looked at him then, his expression bewildered and hurt. ``Don't worry. I won't be gone long. I just don't want to stand the guy up, okay?'' And then he was gone. 

* * *

Jim tried to relax, but he felt too jumpy and edgy. What was going to happen when Sandburg got back? Would Blair want to talk more about this? Jim didn't think he'd be able to do that. He was already mortified from what he'd told Blair already. 

He paced the living room. Tried to watch some t.v. Laid down on his bed for two minutes before getting up and pacing again. An hour passed. Still no sign of Blair. Jim decided to go on line and see if Andy was on. Jim was happy to see that he was. 

DevilRed: Joe! What's up? Did you try that little exercise? 

Joe63: Yeah 

DevilRed: And 

Joe63: It didn't go that well. 

DevilRed: how so? 

Joe63: I couldn't get past the kissing 

DevilRed: ah. why not? 

Joe63: don't know. 

DevilRed: probably fear. 

Joe63: fear? 

DevilRed: sure. of the unknown. you've never had sex with another man and so there's got to be fear. 

Joe63: yeah 

DevilRed: did you talk to your partner about any of this? 

Joe63: well, sort of. 

DevilRed: when? what happened? 

So Jim summarized what had happened, starting with Blair announcing his date with Jerry. 

DevilRed: And he still went out on the date after you told him you didn`t want him to go? 

Joe63: yeah 

DevilRed: were you upset? 

Joe63: I dunno. I'm confused. 

DevilRed: Did you tell him that? 

Joe63: he knew. he just didn't want to stand the guy up. 

DevilRed: ok 

Joe63: I don't know what to do when he gets back 

DevilRed: why don't you let him take the lead? 

Joe 63: I don't know. maybe I can. 

DevilRed: what are you worried about? 

Joe63: it's hard to talk about 

DevilRed: try 

Joe63: of not being able to give him as much as he gives me. of losing him if i don't try to get past this damn block in my head. 

DevilRed: I hear ya. But it's worth it to try, right? he's worth it? 

Joe63: yeah he is 

DevilRed: then just let him lead 

Joe63: oh, he's back. i gotta go. 

DevilRed: just go with your gut, Jim. everything's going to be okay 

Joe63: thanks 

DevilRed: good luck 

Jim signed off by the time Blair had his key in the lock. 

* * *

_When Blair walks in, he has that excited look on his face. The one where his eyes are gleaming and he has this really great idea he wants to share with me. Usually this is accompanied by some sort of active body movement; arm waving, pacing, that short of thing. But tonight he's calm, muted, as if he's afraid he'll scare me away with his enthusiasm._

*I know he's been thinking about our earlier conversation and he has some sort of plan or idea he wants to try. It might work. It might not. Blair usually just sort of wings it on most the sentinel stuff, but nine times out of ten, he hits the jackpot. So maybe tonight it'll happen again. I don't know. * 

_I'm excited and scared. I love this man so much and I'm so afraid I'm going to disappoint him. Just breathe, Jim, and take it one step at a time._

* * *

``Hey, Jim.'' 

``Hey. How was the date?'' he asked, trying to sound casual. He stood up from the table and waited there. 

``Um, okay,'' Blair said cautiously, but his eyes are darting around the room and Jim knows Blair isn't even thinking about Jerry at that minute. 

``You let him down easy?'' Jim asked, trying to lighten the mood a little. Blair is starting to make him a little nervous. 

``What? Oh, yeah,'' he said distractedly. ``Listen, Jim, I was thinking about our earlier conversation. And I got this idea...'' 

``I had a feeling you might.'' 

``Yeah, and it's, uh, well, I don't know if you're going to go for it. It's pretty, uh, drastic, but if you agree to try, we'll definitely know one way or the other.'' 

``Know what, Sandburg,'' Jim asked, wishing Blair would tell him already. 

``Whether or not you can...you know...touch me.'' 

``Oh.'' 

``This idea, see, would...well, I would be the vulnerable one. You'd be totally in control and you wouldn't have to do anything you didn't want to...'' 

``Sandburg,'' Jim growled in warning. 

``Sorry, sorry. I'm just worried about how you're going to react here.'' 

``So tell me already and you'll find out.'' 

Blair took a deep breath. ``Okay. Here's the idea. I get naked. Just me,'' he emphasized when he saw Jim's eyebrows go up. ``And you...you sort of absorb me, if you will, with your senses. Sight, smell, even touch and taste if you want. I just lie there in a totally nonthreatening way and you do, you know, whatever comes natural. I can even wear a blindfold so you don't feel too self-conscious. And I promise not to talk unless you ask me to,'' he finished, feeling like a salesman making a pitch. 

Jim thought it over for moment, walking slowly in front of Blair, his mind awhirl with what this all might mean. ``And you'd be okay with this?'' 

Blair nodded. ``It was my idea.'' 

``I know, but what if I can't, you know...'' 

``No harm, no foul.'' 

``You seem very confident about this. Or is this you going into scientist mode? Another test for one of your subjects?'' 

``Come on, Jim. That's not what this is about. You know that.'' 

``Then why is your heart racing? And you've got this whole anticipation thing going. You're practically humming with it.'' 

``Oh, I don't know,'' Blair teased. ``I'm about to get naked for the man I love. Forgive me for being very nervous and a little excited.'' 

Jim smiled at that and then nodded. ``Okay.'' 

``Okay?'' Blair asked, surprised. 

``Okay.'' 

``Great. That's great. Where should we, uh, go? My room? Yours? Here in the living room?'' 

Jim shrugged. ``You pick.'' 

``Uh, my room, I guess.'' 

``Fine.'' 

Blair stood up. ``So, I'll just go ahead and, uh, get ready,'' he said, pointing toward the bedroom. ``Give me a couple minutes?'' 

Jim nodded and sat down on the couch, turning on the television so Blair wouldn't feel too self-conscious. Or maybe it was so he wouldn't feel too self conscious. _What am I getting myself into here?_ He took a deep breath. It's all going to be alright. This is just a test, right? An experiment. Nothing to be afraid of. 

A few minutes later, Blair called to him and Jim turned the t.v. off and headed toward Blair's room. His stomach started dancing and a film of sweat broke out over his brow. 

When he opened the door, Sandburg was lying under the sheet, a bandana tied over his eyes. Only his shoulders and arms were uncovered but Jim could tell by the outline of the sheet that he was nude and semi-erect. His heartbeat was elevated and seemed to get even stronger as Jim walked closer to the bed. 

Jim stood there by the bed, uncertain of what to do next. 

``Why don't you sit down, Jim? Make yourself comfortable, okay?'' 

He nodded before remembering that Blair couldn't see him. Then he just sat silently. 

Blair waited a minute or so and then spoke. ``I would suggest starting with smell, because if you don't like my scent, it's all over before we even begin, man.'' 

``I already like your scent,'' Jim said, finally finding his voice. 

``You do?'' Blair asked. He sounded surprised. 

``Yes,'' Jim said and swallowed. Had he said too much? He didn't want to get Blair's hopes up. 

``Wow. Okay. Well, then, I guess you...'' 

``Blair? Could you just stay quiet for a few minutes so I can concentrate?'' 

``Uh, sure.'' 

Jim closed his eyes and opened up his sense of smell and took in all of Blair's scents -- his breath, the smell of his hair, his armpits, his belly, his groin, his feet -- without moving. Nothing unpleasant so far. It was very comforting in fact. But that was it. Just comforting and familiar, like his home with Blair now. 

He decided he needed to explore further. He leaned down and pressed his nose into Blair's hair. Shampoo and conditioner, but deeper down he could smell Blair's own scent on his scalp. Still a reassuring, well-known scent. 

He moved his face down to Blair's neck. A little sweaty and musky, but nice. He was tempted to taste him there, but held back. He would come back to that later. 

A brief trip past his chest and armpits and then Jim was slipping the sheet down his belly, sniffing as he went. He heard a hitch in Blair's breathing as the sheet moved, uncovering him. 

``Could you, uh?'' Jim asked and tapped on Blair's knees. Blair took a shaky breath and spread his knees wide, planting his feet far apart on the bed. 

Jim moved between, inhaling deeply. He could sense Blair twitch. His scent was much stronger here, which Jim expected. It was almost a living thing with long, invisible tendrils reaching out, drifting up his nostrils implanting their memories there. Jim shuddered and sat back suddenly, feeling slightly dizzy from the sensory overload. 

``Jim? You okay?'' He put his hands on the blindfold, ready to remove it, if needed. 

Jim shook his head to clear it. ``Yeah, I'm okay. Just, you know...overload, I guess.'' 

``Oh, man, I'm sorry.'' 

Jim chuckled. ``No. No, it's good.'' 

``Yeah?'' 

``Yeah.'' 

Blair breathed a sigh of relief and relaxed back into the pillow. 

Jim could sense the pheromones coming off of Blair in waves and he was surprised to discover that he not only liked the aroma, but also the fact that he was causing Blair's arousal. Blair wanted him, which he'd known, but to smell it so closely; to feel it so bluntly, it just amazed him. Jim realized, suddenly, that he was hard. 

_Jesus Christ,_ he thought. This can't be happening. And then he wondered why he was panicking. He was just responding to Blair's arousal, he told himself. Nothing to worry about. Really. That was good, right? 

Back to the experiment. He moved down further, across Blair's legs and down to his feet, still not touching. Just smelling. With his eyes closed. He thought he heard Blair let out a sigh of disappointment. 

_Well round one goes to Blair Sandburg_ , he thought, _and we haven't even gotten to the intrusive stuff._

Jim opened his eyes and let them roam over his partner's naked form. Blair's mouth was open and he was breathing shallowly. His lips were dark pink, plump and far too inviting. His short, curly hair was messy; some of it clung to his forehead. 

He moved his eyes down Sandburg's neck, lingering on the prominent Adam's apple that he noticed more often than he cared to remember. Such a masculine feature, yet on Blair it was really quite sexy. His eyes caressed Blair's collarbones and strong, sturdy shoulders, sliding down his furry chest, taking in the nipple ring. He recalled the picnic and watching Blair flying through the air, his nipple ring gleaming and calling Jim's attention to it. He shivered at the memory. 

Jim forced himself to look at Blair's erection. It arched slightly over his belly, proud and swollen and full of lust for him. He was awed by Blair's trust in him. He was tempted to touch it and feel it's hardness, but held himself back. He needed to do this with some semblance of order, so he wouldn't loose hold of his tremulous control. First scent, now sight. Then touch and finally taste. All through it, he could _hear_ Blair's pleasure through his breathing and sexy little sighs. 

He continued his perusal of Blair's quivering form, studying the tightening sac between his legs, the dusky pucker and the sturdy, hairy legs. Blair was built like a man. There was nothing even remotely feminine about him. He'd be a gay man's wet dream. Could he be Jim's? 

``I'm going to touch you now, okay?'' he whispered and Blair started at the sound of his voice after so many minutes of quiet. 

Blair nodded but didn't speak, choosing instead to breathe deeply. His breath shuddered on the exhale. 

Jim started again at the top. He moved to Blair's right side and knelt down near his head. He reached out with one hand and sifted gently through Blair's hair. He felt the curls spring and coil around his fingers. It surprised him and made him smile. He'd touched Blair on the head before, but it was always quick brushes; never lingering. Now he found Blair's hair was softer than he expected, but thinner than he thought despite the volume of curls. Soon both hands delved into the intoxicating mass and Jim felt himself slipping into a zone. 

``Hey, Jim. You okay?'' Blair asked, breaking Jim's reverie. Somehow he'd instinctively known that Jim needed a distraction. 

``Uh, good.'' 

``Okay.'' 

He moved his hands out of Blair's hair and slid them down the sides of his face and across the slightly stubbled cheeks. The skin here was warm and glowing. Blair's lips were full and parted and he traced a finger over the top lip, feeling it's fullness, observing it's lush dark pink color. There are women who would kill for lips like these, Jim thought, shocking himself. Blair was shivering as Jim's finger moved across the lower lip and slipped inside. Hot, so hot it almost burned his skin. Blair's tongue flicked across his fingertips, sending shockwaves up his arm and straight to his groin. 

_Jesus Christ, what the hell is going on here?_

He pulled his fingers out of Blair's mouth and to his own lap. He took a deep breath for a moment. *Is this what I want? To touch Blair? Before, I was so worried about not being able to touch him and now I'm scared shitless that I`m enjoying it.* 

``Jim, what`s going on?'' 

``Um, just thinking. Give me a minute.'' 

``Yeah, sure. No hurry.'' 

He looked at Blair again, who was laying there peacefully, patiently. _He gives so much and expects so little. Do I even deserve that kind of devotion? What am I so afraid of?_

Jim took a deep breath and placed his hands on Blair's shoulders, causing Blair to gasp in surprise. 

``Sorry,'' he apologized. ``I just wasn't expecting that so soon.'' 

Jim didn't reply, but began moving his hands over Blair's collarbones again and made a path down the center of his chest, the curly chest hair tickling his palms. He brushed his fingers over Blair's nipples, which perked up even more at his touch. When Jim pushed his finger through the nipple ring, Blair inhaled sharply and arched slightly off the bed. 

Jim tugged on the ring gently, tracing the edge with his thumb. He could see that Blair was trying hard to control his reactions. 

``Blair?'' 

``Yeah?'' 

``Look, I know this is supposed to be some kind of experiment, but you don't have to hold back. Okay?'' 

``Are you sure?'' 

``Would I say it if I didn't mean it?'' Blair shook his head. ``Oh, and you don't have to cover your eyes anymore. Unless you want to,'' Jim said quickly. 

``Thanks.'' Blair took the bandana off. 

Jim's hand, which was still touching Blair's skin, moved slowly down his partner's torso, over each bump in the ribcage, dipping down to his concave belly. The muscles there quivered as he brushed over them and he could hear Blair's breathing and heart rate speed up again. 

He looked at Blair's swollen erection and swallowed. The tip was red like his own when it was begging for release. His right hand hovered over it for a moment. At this point, he figured, he'd be able to touch Blair, right? But would he be able to enjoy it. Could he give Blair what he deserved? 

He looked at Blair's face just then. It was flush with arousal, a little fear and hesitant joy. A small surge of excitement flushed through Jim. _He feels this way because of me; my touch_ , Jim thought and was surprised to find that it pleased him. 

Jim lowered his hand gingerly feeling the first touch of Blair's skin against his palm. Blair gasped and grabbed the sheets. Jim slid his palm gently up and down the tender flesh of Blair's cock, which felt so similar to his own. Still, it was different, touching another man's cock; touching Blair's. Blair moaned quietly and bit his lip. 

Jim looked up to his face. ``You don't have to hold back, Blair. I told you that. I want to hear you. I, uh, may even need to.'' 

Blair nodded, his lower lip still trapped between his teeth. He let out a sigh, which ended with a pleasurable groan. 

Jim closed his hands around the shaft and moved it down again, all the way to the base, causing Blair to thrust into it, almost involuntarily. ``Jesus, Jim,'' he whispered, his voice hoarse. Jim smiled. Blair was really getting into this and it was affecting Jim as well. He'd had many enthusiastic lovers, but none as responsive as Blair and they weren't even making love yet. Well, maybe from Blair's point of view, they were. He didn't know. Suddenly, this whole thing felt wrong. This was Blair's feelings they were playing with here and he just couldn't do it. He pulled his hand away. 

Blair blinked, his eyes glassy with passion. ``Jim? Wha?'' he asked incoherently, raising his head slightly off the pillow. 

``This is wrong, Blair. I can't...I can't...'' 

Blair shook his head to clear it; his expression oddly sad. He leaned up on his elbows. ``S'okay, Jim. I understand. You tried. I guess...I guess it's just not going to work.'' 

Jim looked at him puzzled, then he realized what Blair was saying. ``No!'' he almost shouted, wanting to clear the air. ``That's not what I meant.'' 

Now it was Blair's turn to look puzzled. 

``I meant the whole experiment approach to this. I don't...I feel like I'm somehow taking advantage of you...of your feelings. You, uh, you're obviously aroused by my touching you. It's just not fair to you to treat this so clinically.'' 

Blair leaned up further, bracing himself on one hand, so he could touch Jim on the arm with the other one. ``Jim, if you're not comfortable with it, that's one thing. For my part, I want this, even if you decide it can't go any further. The fact that you've even come this far gives me hope.'' 

``But what if it's false hope? It's not fair to you, Chief.'' 

Blair let his head fall forward, resting his chin on his chest. He sighed. ``I guess you'd probably have some inkling by now, huh? I'm sorry, Jim, I didn't mean to put you in this position.'' 

Jim chuckled and lifted Blair's chin with his hand. ``Some inkling? What do you think?'' he said and lifted Blair's hand, placing it over his partially erect penis. 

Blair smiled. Well, it was more of a glow, really. He didn't move his hand, just left it resting there. 

But Jim wanted him to realize how serious this was. ``I don't know if this...reaction is because you're so aroused or if it's me aroused by you. Or maybe even me remembering what happened at the cabin.'' 

``Jeez, Jim, I think any one of those is a good thing, no? I mean, you're touching me intimately and smelling me and not only are you not disgusted, you're even slightly turned on. How can that be a bad thing?'' 

Jim shook his head. ``Maybe I'm overthinking this one, Chief. I guess you're right.'' He gently pushed on Blair's shoulders until he was prone again. Jim started back up where he left off, running his fingertips down the crease where Blair's thigh met his groin. He cupped the loose sack of Blair's balls, which tightened considerably under his touch. 

He didn't linger but continued his journey down Blair's thighs, feeling the curly hair there tickling his palms. This was a new sensation for Jim, who was used to smooth, shaven thighs. He was surprised to find that the hair didn't bother him. Rather, the hairs brushing his skin increased the sensation along his nerves. He moved his large hands over Blair's knees, down his calves and over his feet. _Sturdy_ , he thought. Blair was wiggling, his feet obviously ticklish. Although very masculine, Blair's feet were small for a man. Jim's hand, from heel to the tip of his middle finger, was almost as long as Blair's foot. 

``Turn over,'' he said after removing his hand. Blair looked at him, slightly surprised, but did as Jim asked. He rested his cheek on the pillow. 

Jim did a quick survey of Blair's backside; smelling, touching and feasting his eyes on his partner's small, compact body. He almost rushed through it, surprised when he realized that he wanted to move on to the tasting. 

He leaned over Blair's exposed nape, his tongue darting out and wetting the flesh there. The flavor exploded over his tongue and Blair tasted exactly as Jim knew he would. Then he recalled the most of taste comes from smell. His half-hard cock went fully rigid as he continued the tongue bath. 

At the first touch of tongue, Blair's hips lifted off the bed like a rocket and came slamming back down. 

``Chief,'' Jim whispered. ``I can do this. I _want_ to do this,'' he finished and continued tasting, moving his tongue down Blair's back. Then he was peppering the globes of Blair's ass with little licks and kisses. _Oh yes_ , he thought. I can do this. ``Turn over,'' he said, his voice still husky with heat. 

``Jim?'' Blair said as he turned onto his back. Jim's eyes seared Blair, telling him everything he needed to know. Then Jim had the overwhelming desire to kiss those soft, full lips. And when he did, he knew that they had moved past the experiment, which was amazingly successful from Jim's point of view, and were rapidly moving toward lovemaking. 

He pressed a kiss to Blair's lips - a kiss of promise - and then got up off the bed to get undressed. If this was going to happen, and Jim was now convinced it was, he was going in with his eyes wide open and he would let himself be just a vulnerable as Blair. 

Blair watched him undress; first in surprise, then in curiosity and finally in peaked interest. When Jim slipped his boxers off at last, his eyes opened wide and he whispered, ``My God, Jim.'' 

Then Jim was back on the bed, pressed against his new lover and he liked the thought of that. It was as if one taste of Blair's skin had just wiped away all of his apprehensions. Though, he supposed, Blair had been wearing away at them for weeks. Why hadn't he figured it out before? He had always loved Blair's scent, craved it when the man wasn't around. He could see that now. Why had he been so blind before? 

Ultimately, he knew, it didn't matter because they were here now, holding each other. His lips caressed Blair's mouth as if it were a succulent fruit; licking, tasting, nibbling, sucking. He should have known that he was meant to taste Blair; to love Blair. He'd been the only one to slip through Jim's armor. Time and time again. 

And finally, finally, finally Blair let himself express exactly how all this was affecting him - as if Jim's acceptance of their undeniable attraction had allowed him that freedom. Blair groaned deep in his throat as Jim kissed him. His arms, which had been so still during Jim's explorations, swung up and greedily began touching and exploring Jim's skin. Feather touches set Jim's nerves aflame. 

``Oh Jim, Jim,'' he murmured, letting his voice be heard. ``God, you're skin is like fucking silk.'' He shimmied down, the energy he'd been holding back freed at last, and pulled one of Jim's nipples into his mouth. 

Jim gasped, startled at the sharp pleasure that surged through him. _Good God_ , he thought. _I've been fighting this?_ It was the last fully formed thought in his head for some time. He felt Blair's hands stroking his back, squeezing his ass and all he could do was pant and hope he didn't pass out from the lack of sufficient oxygen. 

Blair's hands - it felt like he had at least four - moved over him slowly, teasingly and just when Jim thought he might stroke out from anticipation, they slid over his cock. He arched his back, crying out and dislodging Blair's mouth from his nipple. 

``Jim. It's okay, Jim,'' Blair said, trying to soothe him, freeing one hand and returning it to Jim's back. 

``Jesus, Blair.'' 

Blair smiled up at him. ``Good, huh?'' 

Jim was sliding over the edge into something deep and Blair was grinning. 

``Oh, come on, Jim,'' Blair said when he saw the look of disbelief on his partner's face. ``It's okay if we have fun, too.'' Before Jim could respond, Blair latched back on to Jim's nipple and went back to stroking his shaft. Jim shuddered and lowered himself gently against Blair, taking care to keep some of his weight resting on his limbs. The brush of their throbbing cocks sent another spike of pleasure through him. 

Blair groaned and his lips released Jim's nipple. He grabbed hold of Jim's head and pulled him down for a kiss. They rolled together, a tangle of limbs and hungry mouths. Jim could not believe how much pleasure he was feeling. In all his imaginings, he never expected it to feel this good to touch Blair; to be touched by Blair. He should have known; should have taken the blinders off back when Blair told him. 

They rubbed against each other as they moved; the friction sending delicious shivers through Jim. ``God, Blair,'' he said breathlessly, sucking Blair's lower lip into his mouth. ``I should...have...known,'' he gasped out between wetly indecent kisses. 

``We fit together,'' Blair whispered. 

``Mmmmm,'' Jim agreed, holding Blair's mouth against his, licking and tasting some more. He feared Blair might slip away, now that he realized what he wanted. He remembered the look on Blair's face that morning in the cabin and he felt a pang of remorse. ``Oh, God, Blair, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.'' 

Blair loosened his hold on Jim's head and looked at him, puzzled. ``For what?'' 

``For hurting you at the cabin. For blocking how I feel about you. For denying what that vision meant.'' The entire time he spoke, his hips kept up a slow, steady undulation against Blair's. 

``Oh, man, you're here now, aren't you? That's all I need,'' he said and pulled Jim back into another heated kiss. Blair's tongue was everywhere at once, sending zings of pleasure all through his mouth and across his nerves. The shape and texture of Blair's full, pouty lips was forever imprinted in Jim's memory. 

They generated heat and sweat as they moved, making the glide easier. Jim moved his mouth down to Blair's neck, licking and tasting there, as he continued thrusting. His tongue scraped against the stubble there and around to an ear. Blair's hands stroked and pulled at him, increasing his pleasure with every movement. Jim prayed this feeling, this heat, this wave of bliss would continue forever. At the same time, he wanted to reach the peak and come crashing down on the other side. 

Just when he thought he couldn't take it anymore, he felt Blair's hands slide over his ass, squeezing and pulling. ``Ohgodohgodohgod,'' he murmured, speeding up his thrusts under the strength of lover's hands. 

A sweat-covered finger moved between the globes of Jim's ass and slipped inside him, just like that night at the cabin. Jim howled his pleasure and thrust back onto the finger. Three strokes and he was done for; his come splattering Blair's chest hair. 

He stopped moving for a moment to catch his breath, then rolled over onto his back. He didn't want to crush Blair by lying on top of him. They were both taking deep, panting breaths. Blair lay there covered in sweat and come looking sinfully gorgeous. 

``My God, Jim,'' he said between deep breaths. ``When you get past the barriers, man, you do it with gusto,'' Blair teased him. 

Jim laughed. ``Yeah, well, you weren't so bad yourself.'' 

Blair grinned at him. ``I didn't have any barriers to overcome,'' he reminded Jim. 

Jim studied Blair as if seeking out an answer in his lover's face. ``What?'' Blair asked. 

``You had no doubts about us, did you? No hesitation?'' 

Blair shook his head. ``Not since I figured it out while I was lying in that hospital bed.'' 

``I gotta tell ya, Chief, I don't think I could have flown headfirst into this like you did - or like you wanted to anyway. I admire you for that. It took me months to deal with it. I kept trying to deny it. I just didn't see myself that way. I still have a hard time with it.'' 

``Jim, I feel the same way. When the feelings first hit me, I kept thinking, `I'm not gay!' But then I'd find myself checking out the way a snug t-shirt fit you or fantasizing about kissing you. I don't think this about gay or straight. It's about you and me and this tremendous connection we have.'' 

Jim nodded. ``I think you're right. There's no other way to explain why being with you feels so right; so good.'' He moved closer to Blair, who snuggled up to him. 

``Oh, Jim, you can't imagine how much it means to hear you say that. I have been hoping for this for a long time.'' 

Jim smiled, but his mind was already focusing back on earlier tonight. ``Can I ask you a question?'' 

``Anything, man.'' 

``Earlier tonight...before all this happened,'' Jim started, then stopped as if searching for the right words. ``When you made that date with, uh...'' 

``Jerry.'' 

``Yeah, Jerry. When you made that date with Jerry, did you intend to...you know?'' Jim asked, hoping Blair would understand what he meant so he wouldn't actually have to say the words. 

``I don't honestly know, Jim. I don't think anything would have happened tonight between Jerry and me. I'm pretty sure about that. But my feelings for you made me curious about how comfortable I might feel being intimate with another man. I genuinely liked Jerry, but I wasn't really attracted to him; not the way I'm attracted to you. He just seemed like an easygoing guy. I thought if I changed my mind later on, he'd be understanding.'' 

Jim nodded. ``I'm sorry I pushed you that far.'' 

``It was my choice, Jim.'' 

``One you made because I couldn't follow through on my feelings.'' 

``Yeah, but it was still something I decided to do. I needed to know if it was just you or if I found other men attractive.'' 

``And do you?'' 

Blair shrugged. ``I honestly don't know as yet. So far, I've been too focused on you to really be aware of any other guys. But I think you're probably going to be the only one,'' he said shyly, sounding almost embarrassed. ``What about you?'' 

Jim looked puzzled. ``What do you mean?'' 

``Well, you said you spent a lot of time talking to that Andy guy and you said he was bisexual. Were you planning on getting together with him to test the theory?'' 

``No!'' Jim said, aghast at the idea. ``Andy was just an ear; someone I could talk to. God knows I needed to tell someone about all this confusion with you. And it needed to be someone I didn't know; someone who wouldn't judge me or think I was crazy. Andy was that person for me.'' 

``Then I'm really glad you found him.'' 

``Me, too. He made me realize that you were more important than anything people might say or think. I guess I was worried about how it would all look if someone were to find out.'' 

Blair nodded. ``I know. The thought crossed my mind, too. I thought about those women I've flirted with; dated. What would they think if they found out I was dating a man. My reputation would be ruined,'' he said dramatically and then smiled. ``Then I realized that only person who mattered was you.'' 

``I came to the same conclusion. It just took me a lot longer. I wish it hadn't.'' 

``No use crying over spilt milk.'' 

``I know, but I hurt you and I'm sorry about that. Especially about what happened in the mountains. I led you to believe we could have something more when I wasn't really ready to start something.'' 

``You did, but I knew you weren't ready. I knew I was pushing for too much too soon. Hell, I even predicted you were going to freak out in the morning before you did. So, part of that was my fault. I guess I have a bit of a masochist side.'' 

Jim laughed and kissed Blair on the forehead. ``Yes, you do.'' 

Blair yawned. ``I think you wore me out, Jim. How about we catch a few zzzs?'' 

``I wore you out?! You're years younger than me! And who was slithering all over the bed like some kind of snake? You probably wore yourself out!'' Jim teased him. 

``Very funny, Jim. Look, I'm going to wash up and brush my teeth, so I can go to sleep. You wanna sleep down here with me?'' 

``Actually, I'd rather you came upstairs and sleep with me. My bed's bigger.'' 

``Oh, so that's the way it's going to be? We're going to do the size thing?'' Blair joked, getting up off the bed. Jim watched him walk away, his round, perfect ass a vision to behold. 

He came back out a few minutes later, freshened up, but still naked. Jim liked that. He hadn't nearly gotten his fill of Blair's naked form now that he was finally past his fear. He was glad that Blair was not self-conscious anymore. 

``Your turn,'' Blair announced and headed up the stairs like he belonged there. _He does now_ , Jim thought. 

* * *

Jim opened his eyes, blinking sleepily at the sun's rays shining through the curtains. How had he forgotten to wear his sleep mask last night? He never forgot it. Just then he felt a stirring beside him, warm flesh brushing against his. He turned his head to see Blair. _Blair? Oh God. What did I do?_ The experiment came back in vivid detail. He and Blair had made love last night. He recalled the last time he'd woken up in bed with Blair. Panic had set in and he'd ruined everything by letting fear take over. 

He shook his head. Not this time. He knew, with certainty, that Blair and he were right together. Last night had been...wonderful. He would not let his fear push this man away from again. 

He let his eyes wander over Blair, who was lying on his belly, naked and uncovered. Blair, who was always cold, looked completely comfortable now. He was pressed up against Jim, absorbing his body heat. _He looks laid out like some sexual sacrifice for the gods,_ Jim thought, *but he`s all mine. * 

Jim moved down the bed, causing Blair to stir. Thankfully, he didn't wake. Jim started at Blair's feet and began pressing little kisses all over them. Blair mumbled something in his sleep and wiggled his feet a little. Jim kept moving higher, kissing Blair`s calves and thighs, finally reaching his full, plump ass. 

Jim could not get over how much Blair's ass turned him on. He remembered that day at the picnic when he discovered Blair was going commando under his tight, denim shorts. It had been like a spike of heat to his gut to see the flesh of Blair's gorgeous ass. Now he was getting a lot more than a peak. The mounds were full and firm and ripe for tasting. Jim stroked his hands over them, squeezing gently. Blair stirred again and said something unintelligible. 

Jim leaned over and pressed his lips against the rounded flesh. There were some dark, curly hairs that tickled his lips. It wasn't the kind of thing he was used when he touched a woman's buttocks. All the same, he didn't care. This was Blair and the hair was part of him. He was hairy everywhere else, why not here? He decided Blair had the most gorgeous ass he'd ever seen. He also had a pretty sexy back, as well. The whole vision of him spread across the bed made Jim's gut coil in anticipation. 

Jim's cock hardened as he continued his ministrations, alternately squeezing and kissing. He moved up over Blair's back and pressed himself down; his cock fitting nicely in the groove of Sandburg`s ass. He felt Blair's heart rate rise and he knew his lover was awake. His lover. He liked the sound of that. 

Blair wiggled and flipped over. His hard-on matched Jim`s inch for inch. He was grinning. ``Jim, I never knew you were such a sex beast.'' 

``Only for you,'' Jim teased. 

``Better be.'' 

``From now on,'' he promised. 

Blair's eyes opened wide. ``Really?'' 

``I guess I shouldn't make any presumptions. Maybe we need to talk about it.'' 

``It's what I want; what I'm prepared to give.'' 

Now it was Jim's turned to be astonished. ``Blair, the womanizer, is going to give them all up?'' 

``For you, yes. You're the one I want. You're the one I've been waiting for. I was just biding my time with all the others,'' Blair said earnestly. 

``So, it wasn't a fear of commitment then?'' He felt himself calming as they spoke; his lust tempered by emotion. 

Blair shook his head. ``I was already committed. To you. I just didn't know it yet. I just knew that none of those women felt right to me. I mean, I enjoyed dating them, but I never felt a connection with any of them.'' 

``Are you sure this isn't moving too fast?'' 

``Not for me. How about you?'' 

Jim thought about it for a minute. ``Strangely, no.'' 

Blair smiled. ``I'm glad to hear it.'' 

``Good. Can we get back to what we were doing before?'' 

``Oh, you mean this?'' Blair asked and thrust his hips against Jim. Neither of them had completely softened during their discussion, so Jim was rather pleasantly surprised by the feel of Blair's thickness against his groin. 

``Uh, yeah,'' he said, momentarily speechless. 

``Come here, you,'' Blair said seductively and pulled Jim's head down to kiss him. Their lips brushed together softly at first; then with growing hunger. Jim was pretty sure he'd never get enough of Blair Sandburg's taste. 

They began to move; gliding against each other in time to their increasingly frantic kisses. 

``Do you want to try anything different?'' Blair whispered when he took a breath. 

``I don't know. This feels pretty good.'' 

``It does, doesn't it?'' 

Jim groaned in response. 

``That sounded really sexy, Jim. In fact, you look pretty sexy towering over me with that do-me look all over your face.'' 

Jim laughed. ``Sandburg, you're not supposed to make me laugh!'' 

``Why not? Don't you like to have fun during sex?'' 

``You're throwing my concentration off,'' he complained and then stopped moving. 

``Jeez, don't stop. Unless you want to try something different?'' 

``What did you have in mind?'' 

``I don't know. I'm not sure how adventurous you're feeling.'' 

``Are you feeling adventurous?'' 

Blair waggled his eyebrows. ``Always.'' 

``A simple `yes' would have sufficed.'' 

``Sorry.'' 

``No, you're not.'' 

``No, I'm definitely not sorry,'' Blair agreed, meaning more than just his comment. ``Would you like me to suck your cock?'' 

Jim nearly choked on his own spit, but settled for coughing instead. ``Jesus, Blair!'' 

``What?'' he asked innocently. ``I'm just offering options for adventure.'' 

``Are you sure you're ready to try that?'' 

``Jim, I've been ready for months. I've been practicing on a dildo, for chrissakes.'' 

``What?! You're not serious?'' 

Blair started to get off the bed. ``You want me to go get it?'' 

``No!'' 

Blair lay back down. 

``Have you really been practicing?'' Jim asked, still amazed. 

``Yes,'' Blair admitted unashamedly. ``Want me to show you how good I've gotten?'' 

``Jesus, Blair,'' Jim whispered. 

``Do you?'' Blair asked, pushing for an answer. He could feel Jim's answer hard against his hip, but he wanted to hear it. 

Jim could only nod. 

Moments later, he was on his back and Blair's hot, moist mouth covered him. He had to close his eyes; had to. There was no other way to keep a hold of his emotions and control of his senses. 

First there was just this wet gliding sensation, which just rocked him in it's simplicity. Jim could not believe that Blair was even doing this to him; hadn't even given himself the time to fantasize about such a thing. And here he was; mouth working Jim's cock like some kind of pro. _Looks like those practice sessions paid off_ , he thought, but what came out sounded more like, ``Ooooh. Oh. Oh!'' 

Then Blair amazed him even more by adding sucking and licking, alternately, to the repertoire. Jim bolted upright, crying out, ``Christ!'' Blair giggled and Jim could feel every vibration. Blair pushed him back down onto the bed and continued the mind-altering blow job. 

Just when Jim thought he was going to explode, Blair's head popped up. ``Is this adventuresome enough for you?'' 

``What?'' Jim asked, not quite following Blair's train of thought. There wasn't enough blood making it to his brain for him to think clearly. 

``Would you like to get _more_ adventurous?'' Blair asked suggestively. 

``Are you suggesting...'' he started to ask, but he couldn't form the words. 

Blair looked at him seriously, but with a bit of mischief in his eyes. ``Oh, yes, Jim, I am. Are you game?'' 

Jim barely opened his mouth to reply before Blair flew off the bed and down the stairs. He was back less than a minute later with supplies. 

He plopped back down on the bed, dropping a tube of lube, condoms, a towel and the aforementioned dildo next to him. ``So, who gets to go first?'' 

Jim gawked at him. He couldn't have been more surprised if Blair asked him to run down the street naked. ``Uh, Blair, I don't know if I'm...'' 

But Blair was snickering. ``I was joking, Jim. I'm more than willing to be on the receiving end the first time around.'' 

_The first time around_ , Jim thought and gulped. 

``Relax, Jim. You don't ever have to do anything you're not comfortable with.'' 

``You really want to do this?'' 

Blair nodded enthusiastically. ``I've been practicing for it.'' 

``With the same...thing?'' Jim asked distastefully, pointing at the dildo. 

``Relax, Jim. I have one for each orifice,'' he joked. ``But you can use a condom, you know.'' 

``A condom on a dildo?'' 

``Sure. Why not?'' 

Jim felt his libido flagging again and deciding that he and Blair needed to do less talking and more doing while they were in bed together. 

``Sandburg, could I make a suggestion?'' 

``Sure, Jim.'' 

``Less talk and more action.'' 

Blair looked puzzled for a moment and then glanced down at his deflated erection. ``Oh, Jim, I'm sorry. Let me help with that.'' And then his mouth was covering Jim again. A few licks and sucks and Jim was good to go again. 

``Are you ready to try this?'' Blair asked a couple of minutes later. 

``Blair, I'm ready to try anything at this point. You're making me crazy.'' 

``I'm glad. Would you mind helping me get ready?'' Blair asked and turned around to present his naked, lush ass to Jim. 

Jim swallowed hard at the sight. ``What do I have to do?'' 

``Squeeze some of that lube onto your fingers and then slide them into me so you can stretch me,'' he said and Jim was astonished at how matter of fact he was. Then Blair's voice dropped a notch. ``And then you can go inside me.'' 

Jim shivered at the promise in Blair's tone. He followed Blair's instructions and tentatively pressed his fingers at the entrance to his lover's body. He had barely brushed the area when Blair came alive under his fingertips. 

``Oh God, Jim, that feels so good. More, please.'' 

He wasn't even doing anything except touching the outside. Could Blair possibly be that sensitive there? He got his answer a moment later when Blair undulated against his fingers, pushing Jim to probe further. 

``It feels good?'' Jim asked. 

``Yeah, man, it feels fantastic,'' Blair whispered as he continued moving his hips. 

Jim gingerly slipped his finger inside a little and Blair stopped moving. ``Are you okay?'' 

``Yeah. Just go slow, okay?'' 

Jim nodded, even though Blair couldn't see him, and wiggled his finger in a little more, feeling the muscle pop open. 

``Mmmmm. Yeah,'' Blair said and pushed back onto the finger, letting it slide several inches at once. Jim was amazed and pleased at his lover's adaptation. 

Blair was a sexual fireball, Jim decided, and he would most surely be dead before he'd ever have enough of this man. 

``Another one, Jim,'' Blair said urgently. 

Jim added a second digit and reached in further, brushing against a bumpy protrusion. _Must be the prostate,_ he thought, and then Blair exploded into action complete with sound effects. 

``Oh right there, Jim. Yes! Rightthererightthererightthere!'' he yelled while pressing himself back onto Jim's fingers. _I guess it pays to do some internet surfing,_ Jim thought smugly as he stroked the sensitive spot. ``Oh, yes. Oh, yes. That's...that's it. Yes. I think...I think I'm ready, Jim,'' he said, even as he continued to move on Jim's fingers. 

``How do we do this?'' Jim asked, as Blair slid off his fingers. He was panting heavily. 

``You lay on your back. I'll do the work this time. That way you won't have to worry if you're hurting me.'' 

Jim sighed in relief. Truth be told, he had been worrying about that. How much force to use? How deep? How fast? All of these questions plagued his thoughts. Now, Blair would take care of it all. He could relax and just enjoy it. 

Jim lay back and Blair slipped the condom on and lubed him up. Jim shook with every stroke of Blair's hands, worried he might go off with the next one. They hadn't come all this way only to have it end prematurely. 

Blair positioned himself over the head of Jim's cock. He took a deep breath and pressed down. Jim gasped at the delicious and immediate pressure he felt all the way through him. He watched Blair's face, which was creased in concentration and perhaps a bit of pain. 

Further and further down. Slowly. Painfully, if his expression were to judge. 

``Are you okay?'' Jim asked. He had to know. 

``Shh,'' Blair hushed him, not wanting to break his concentration. A few moments later, his luscious bottom pressed against Jim's hips. ``You're in, Jim. You're in,'' he said, sounding out of breath. 

It was not news to Jim, who felt each one of Blair's internal muscles squeezing every square inch of him. It was tighter and hotter than anything he'd ever felt in his life. Now what? _Wait for Blair,_ he answered himself. Sure enough, a few moments passed and Blair leaned forward, bracing himself against Jim's shoulders and then he began to glide up and down. 

_Wow_ , Jim thought. Nothing that they'd done before felt anything close to this sensation. It was like being possessed by another person; possessed and owned and claimed by Blair. He liked the thought of that. He liked the feel of it even better. 

``Oh my God, Blair. Oh my God.'' 

``I know, Jim. Believe me, I know,'' Blair said, panting between each word. He was covered with a thin sheen of sweat, which made him glow in the morning light. He shifted, lifting himself up a little to change the angle of entry and then he was moaning long and loud, sending zings of electricity zipping right through Jim. 

Blair sat up then, using his knees to raise him off Jim slightly. 

``Come on, Jim. Come on!'' 

Before he could think about, Jim was using his legs and hips and slam up into Blair, hitting that sweet spot over and over. 

``Fuuuuuuuck,'' Blair yelled and then he was coming without Jim even touching his cock. It arched from him, splattering Jim in the chest. The heat of his come made Jim shudder and he was amazed to discover that it turned him on. Even better were the aftershocks of Blair's orgasm squeezing him inside Blair's body. And then he was coming to; forcefully, almost painfully. 

Blair slumped over him and Jim rolled them carefully to the side. He waited a moment and then eased his penis out of Sandburg, who lay there panting. 

``My God, Jim, that was incredible,'' he said after he'd gotten his breath back. 

Jim was kind of surprised that Blair seemed to enjoy it so much. ``Really?'' 

Blair smacked him on the shoulder. ``Yeah, dummy. What'd you think? I was doing it all for you?'' 

Jim smiled sheepishly and shrugged. 

``Haven't you ever heard of the prostate?'' 

``Very funny, Chief.'' 

``Are you curious how it would feel to have me inside you?'' 

Jim blushed, but didn't change the subject. ``I might be.'' 

``So, are we a couple now?'' Blair asked, his expression casual. Jim knew he was trying not to show how important the answer might be. Last night, there had been declarations and promises, but he knew Blair needed to know if Jim could live up to them in the cold light of day. 

``Do you want us to be?'' 

``I think you know how I feel about it. The question is -- how do you feel about it?'' 

Jim thought about it for a moment - the pros and cons and decided that the good outweighed the bad. He looked at Blair, who looked suddenly tense. ``I think we're good together, Chief,'' Jim said, touching his cheek. ``I know I love you.'' 

Blair exhaled, releasing all his tension in one breath. ``I love you, too, Jim. I have for so long.'' He leaned, claiming Jim's mouth in a passionate kiss. Jim felt a slow arousal threatening to flare again and he broke the kiss. 

``Let's go take a shower, okay?'' 

``Together?'' Blair asked, surprised and hopeful. 

Jim took a deep breath. ``Sure, why not?'' He had never even showered with Carolyn, but this was Blair, after all. He could make the most awkward of situations comfortable. And who knew? It could end up being fun. 

Jim decided later, as Blair slip to his knees to give him another perfect blowjob, that yes, showering with someone was most definitely fun. 

They spent the morning in bed, exploring each other; tasting and kissing. Their lovemaking was languid and deliberate. Jim was amazed at how good Blair could make him feel. He was determined not to regret the time they'd missed due to his own stubbornness and just enjoy what they had now. 

They got dressed around noon and went out for lunch It was their first time in public as a couple and Jim felt uncertain how to act. 

``Jim, are you okay?'' 

``I'm fine, Sandburg.'' 

``You seem kind of tense.'' 

Jim cleared his throat. ``I, uh, I'm not sure how we're supposed to act.'' 

``Act? What do you mean?'' 

``I mean the couple thing. Are we supposed to touch each other? Not touch each other? What the hell is the etiquette here?"' 

Blair laughed at the frustration in Jim's voice. ``I think you should just go with whatever feels natural, Jim. You touched me before. All the time, in fact.'' 

Jim blushed. ``Yeah, well, now I'm feeling a little self-conscious about that.'' 

``Give it time. You'll get past it,'' Blair said. Jim envied how easily he just adjusted to this dramatic change in lifestyle. 

``How do you do that?'' 

``Do what?'' 

``Take everything in stride? Go from heterosexual to homosexual in a day without blinking an eye? Make it all seem so easy and natural?'' 

``Believe me, Jim. I'm not nearly as calm as I seem. I mean, it is natural because I've loved you for so long, but inside my stomach is in knots. I've never gone into a relationship with so much invested. I'm terrified I'm going to fuck things up but I'm also looking forward to the next time I can get you naked,'' he said, leaning forward to whisper the last part. ``And you look really good naked, Jim.'' 

Jim's felt his cheeks turn red. ``The feeling is mutual,'' he said gruffly, looking down at his sandwich. 

``Yeah?'' Blair asked, smiling. ``Cool.'' 

They ate in silent for a few minutes. Then Jim looked at Blair expectantly. 

``What is it, Jim?'' 

``When we had that big fight a few weeks ago, you mentioned my reaction to the dissertation...uh...fiasco, I believe you called it; and the vision we shared. Do we need to talk about that some more?'' 

``You're offering to talk?'' Blair asked, grabbing his chest with his hand and mimicking a heart attack. 

``Very funny, Sandburg.'' 

``We're good, Jim. If there's something you want to talk about, then you should bring it up. I promise to do the same, okay?'' 

Jim nodded, grateful to leave it at that. 

* * *

Saturday evening, Blair went out to re-stock their badly depleted groceries. While he was gone, Jim went on line, hoping to find Andy. Luckily, he was there. 

Joe63: Hey! 

DevilRed: Jim! How'd it go last night? 

Joe63: Good. Really good. 

DevilRed: Yeah? That's great. 

Joe63: Yeah. :) 

DevilRed: So, you and your roommate... 

Joe63: um, yeah. 

DevilRed: I'm guessing you're blushing right now. 

Joe63: You'd be right. 

DevilRed: I'm glad everything worked out then. 

Joe63: Well, I have you to thank. 

DevilRed: Dude, I wasn't even in the room! 

DevilRed: Not that I wouldn't have liked to be. ;) 

Joe63: lol. seriously though, I wouldn't haven't gotten past all my fears if it hadn't been for you. 

DevilRed: Nah, you did it all. 

Joe63: Can't you just accept a thank you? jeez. 

DevilRed: Glad I could help. Just call me dear Andy. 

Joe63: Cute. Listen, Blair's on his way back up with food for dinner. I have to run. 

DevilRed: Blair? That's your roommate's name? You never told me before. 

Joe63: Oh. Yeah. Blair. 

DevilRed: Well, good luck. Come back on line every once in awhile to keep me posted on how things are going. 

Joe63: Will do. Thanks again. 

DevilRed: np 

``Hey, Jim, can you open the door?'' Blair called from the stairwell. ``My hands are full.'' 

Jim opened the door to a grinning Blair. 

``Hey, I brought bagels.'' 

* * *

They spent the rest of the weekend making love in every corner of the loft. Jim was pretty sure he hadn't come this much during his entire marriage. He'd be getting out of the shower, thinking they were finished for the day and then he'd see Blair looking at him with that hungry expression on his face. The next thing he knew, Blair would be on him and the towel would be off and they'd be humping like bunnies. 

Even when he couldn't get hard anymore, Jim loved cuddling with Blair on the couch or in bed. He loved the feel of Blair's skin against his; the soft brush of Blair's chest hair revving up every nerve in his body. 

By Sunday afternoon, Jim was completely spent and started to fall asleep on the couch watching ESPN. He was completely naked under the afghan. Neither of them had bothered getting dressed since their dinner out Saturday night. They slept naked and walked around the loft naked all day today. It felt good. It felt liberating. It felt like another person inside his body. He chuckled sleepily to himself. 

He heard Blair at the table, typing on his computer. It was a comforting sound and he knew it would help take him over the edge into blissful sleep. 

Only moments before he fell into slumber, Jim became aware that the clicking of the keys had stopped. Then he felt a slight breeze over his legs and shivered. He sleepily kicked at the blanket to make sure it covered his feet properly - and came into contact with a solid object. Something warm and slightly furry. 

Then he felt Blair's warm breath on his skin, moving up. He shivered and opened his eyes. Blair was under the blanket and he was...what the heck was he doing? He heard a deep breath. 

``Sandburg, what in God's name are you doing?'' Jim asked, trying to sound annoyed but not pulling it off very well. 

``Aww, Jim, I didn't mean to wake you,'' he said from under the covers. His voice sounded slightly muffled. 

``I asked what you were doing.'' 

``I, um, I'm smelling you,'' he said, a guilty tone in his voice. 

``You're what?'' 

``I'm smelling you. Here,'' he said, gently touching Jim on the scrotum, causing his whole body to jerk. ``You smell soooo good.'' Jim felt a shiver go right through him. 

``Blair, I really don't think I can possibly...'' he started, but was interrupted. 

``Relax, Jim, I didn't even want to wake you up,'' he said, peeking his head out from under the covers. ``I saw you lying there with your eyes closed, looking so peaceful and so sexy. And I was remembering how good you smelled and I wanted to get close to you again.'' 

Jim pulled Blair until they were chest to chest. ``You're a nut, you know that, don't you?'' He was smiling as he said it. 

``Nuts for you, sure,'' he teased, pressing against Jim, burrowing into the couch and resting his head against Jim's shoulder. 

* * *

*I love how he feels against me. He makes me feel safe and loved. And I'm glad that I finally got past the fear because Blair Sandburg is the best thing that ever happened to me. We deserve each other and, like he said, we fit together. * 

* * *

End The Edge of Something Deep by Tobyfan

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Disclaimer: _The Sentinel_ is owned etc. by Pet Fly, Inc. These pages and the stories on them are not meant to infringe on, nor are they endorsed by, Pet Fly, Inc. and Paramount. 


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